A Wedding to End All Weddings
by faballa
Summary: One wedding. One heart-stopping revelation. One cold-hearted wench who wants to destroy it all. And one dress that's a little too revealing for the altar. Can three mildly insane friends save this trainwreck of a celebration? REVISED & REPOSTED!
1. Chapter 1: The Revelation

Disclaimer: The vast majority of these characters belong to J

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but Esme!

**A/N: **Warning! Though this fic is still a comedy and does still contain random acts of violence, some parts are going to get more serious! And other parts are going to get more Sirius… It's the third in a series, and it's a definite repost!

--

"He wants me to kill Esme, sir, and I just don't think I can." He rang his hands nervously, looking outside at the late July evening. Severus Snape was just sitting down with Headmaster Albus Dumbledore for a long delayed discussion. Dumbledore's eyebrows pushed together, and his eyes looked flat and tired.

"I see. Please, go on."

"The violence and the pranking and pushing each other to the brink of death is all well and good when we're both in on it and it's just in the name of entertainment for ourselves, but I can't bring myself to end her life. I wouldn't be able to go on after seeing the realization in her eyes, split seconds before her death, that it was I, her friend, who had killed her. I could never forgive myself." He shook his head, "But if I fail," he shuddered, "he won't let her live. He'll take one of his sick, twisted minions and send them out after her. And they won't do it quickly, nor will they do it painlessly. They're like cats; they'll bat her around a bit, using any curse they want. They probably won't even use the killing curse! They'd rather see her bleed or be tortured to death, rather than a flash of light. And I can't let her suffer like that!" he stopped, sweating. Dumbledore looked at him hard, studying his eyes.

"You," he finally said, "are showing more care for Esmeralda than I saw you show for Lily."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying," his eyes boring into Snape's, "that you are in love with Esme."

"Yes, I'm in love with her!" Snape exploded, "Of course I'm in love with her! Have I not made that clear?" He jumped up from his chair, pushing his hands through his hair. "I've loved her for years, but of course she was always too young and when we began teaching I wanted to tell her how I felt every day, but by then I was too old! Then of course she fell in love with Black and they're getting married, and whenever I think of trying to win her with a Love Potion, every part of me screams because the idea is so horrible and dishonest! It's the same thing as with Lily; I didn't say anything about how much I loved her, and then some other idiot married her. Then she died because of me. And now, even if it's not me who does it, the Death Eaters are going to kill her and even," he paused, breathing hard. "Even if I can't love her, all I want to do is protect her!"

Dumbledore nodded, remaining calm throughout Snape's entire outburst of showing actual emotions. "The only thing you wish to do is protect her?"

"If I can't love her."

"And you love her with all of your heart and soul?"

"Obviously."

"You would lay down your life for hers, and are willing to protect her until the day that you die?"

"I will never make the same mistake as I did with," he swallowed, "Lily."

"I feel that, perhaps, you should become her Protector."

"Her what?"

"Her Protector. You guard her life for as long as you possibly can, and if she dies in a way you could have prevented, you will be haunted with it your entire life," Snape stared at him, his eyebrows arched.

"You're kidding me." Dumbledore shook his head.

"I have been her Protector since her birth, but as I grow old, I may pass it on to anyone whom I see fit." Snape sat quietly, mulling the words over in his mind.

"I'll do it. I will protect her as long as I live," he said simply.

"Until the day you die," Dumbledore corrected.

"Until the day I die," Snape nodded. Dumbledore silently touched his wand to his chest. When he pulled it away a long, bright blue strand came connected with it. He then touched the wand to Snape's chest, the blue strand disappearing into his heart. "But there's still the matter of the Dark Lord's orders. If I don't follow them, Esme's going to need a new Protector pretty damn soon."

"Yes," Dumbledore stroked his beard, "I suppose that you could make it look as though you are attempting to murder her in an 'amusing' fashion, while she mistakes it for random acts of violence. It may not create a stronger bond between you two, but she won't die if you're careful. But she may grow suspicious. If you're lucky, Tom may feel that you're an unfit murderer, and leave those jobs to his other followers; although, he may also suspect something. After all how hard should it be to kill a twenty-one year old teacher?"

--

"No, you two may not share a room!" Molly rolled her eyes and gently swatted her eldest daughter with a spatula, and muttered, "I swear to Merlin we've had this discussion before."

"But Mum," Esme cried. "Once Harry comes tonight there'll be four boys in a room barely fit for one! Perhaps if you just moved Sirius into my room…" She raised her eyebrows suggestively. Molly turned, putting her hands on her hips.

"Absolutely not! The twins will move into mine and your father's room; we_ are_ married therefore we _can _share," she cut off Esme's interjection before it had begun, "I will move into your room and your father will move into Sirius' room, and that's that!" Esme rolled her eyes and shrugged at her fiancé, who just smiled. Sirius had been a lot cheerier since they'd left Hogwarts. He constantly offered to help cook and clean, even though he'd just gotten there that morning. He'd even volunteered to help with the wedding plans. Speaking of, "Now, let's go work on your gown. Sirius, why don't you, I don't know, go bark at the boys until they clean up their room."

"Bark at them, or run around their room rolling in things until they come down?" he asked with a smile.

"Just go," Esme rolled her eyes, kissed her boyfriend, and left, grinning. The great thing about a good mood is that it's highly contagious.

For the time being, Esme's dress was a simple, white gown that barely reached her knees. The dress lacked lace, pearls, or a bodice tight enough to stay on Esme's chest. It was clearly the dress Molly had been married in, and, lovely as it was, it needed a few alterations to be a proper wedding gown. As Molly worked with different lengths and shapes, she began questioning Esme as mothers tend to do.

"So, dear, have you thought about how many bridesmaids and groomsmen you want?"

"Well, we wanted all of the boys and Harry to be the groomsmen, and Sirius wants Remus to be his best man. I'm going to have Tonks as my maid of honor, and I think I'll pair Ron with Hermione and Harry with Ginny, they're such cute couples, don't you agree?" She gripped the top of the gown, willing it not to fall off.

"Mmm," she responded approvingly through a mouth full of pins.

"And I think Bill should walk with the girl he knows from work, the one who was in the Tournament last year. She seems quite bright; she was one of the few of the French who didn't run away screaming when I introduced myself. Percy," she clenched her teeth, "returned my invitation, that lousy son-of-a—"

"Esmeralda!" The pins fell out of her mouth.

"Sorry Mum, I didn't mean to offend."

"I know, and I know that it was hard on you when he returned your letter. But he's your brother, and he'll come around. And when he does, you _will _forgive him." She looked at her reproachfully.

"Yes Mum." At that moment, the real Mad-Eye Moody burst into the parlor where they were working on the dress.

"Are you mad, woman?! We have a fallen man to rescue, and you are playing dress-up! Get out of that getup and onto a broomstick! May I assume that you have both buttocks?"

"What?" Esme dropped the top of the bodice, stunned. The whole gown fell to the floor, completely revealing her.

"There's no time! Now, I must get your idiot boyfriend; he seems to be wrestling with your brothers—as a dog." And he limped out of the room.

Esme stared at her mother, "And yet that was not awkward."

Molly shrugged, "Well, he can already see through clothes."

--


	2. Chapter 2: The Rescue Mission

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"So this is a muggle house?" Esme raised an eyebrow, "How…charming."

"You've been here before," Sirius said offhandedly. "We nearly destroyed the house, remember?"

"No." She immediately began opening kitchen cabinets, "accidentally" breaking a few items in each. "Oops," she grinned at Sirius as she swiped her arm across a shelf of glasses, "so clumsy am I."

"Think they're going to notice that half their tableware has been destroyed?" Remus mimicked Esme's one-eyebrow-raised look.

"Hahahaha, good one Remus!" Tonks laughed, too loudly. Then she blushed and looked at her feet.

"Now's not the time, children," Moody growled. Remus, Sirius, Tonks, Esme, and Kingsley Shacklebolt paused, listening to the soft patter of footsteps above them. "It's him."

Moody, of course, was correct, and moments later a dark-haired teenaged boy came down the stairs, brandishing a wand.

"Harry, I wouldn't recommend committing more illegal magic, as you're already under arrest by the Ministry," Esme said smoothly. "Put it down."

"Esme, er, Professor Slain?" he asked from his place at the stairs.

"We're no longer at school, Harry," Esme smiled softly. "You can call me by my name."

Harry nodded and glanced at Sirius, who smirked, "You still have to call me Professor Black."

"Ooh! Call me Professor Black too! Call me it like crazy!" Esme grinned, wrapping her arms around Sirius' waist.

"Now's not the time!" Moody growled and then removed his fake eye and began cleaning it.

"That's quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, Mad-Eye," Tonks said cheerfully.

After helping Harry pack up and placing the Disillusionment charm upon him, the group was ready to mount their brooms and leave the muggle home they'd nearly destroyed, again ("How much water can the toaster handle?" "None, Esme." "Oops…"). "Okay, so since I can't fly a broomstick," Esme said casually, "Sirius and I are just going to apparate back."

"Lazy prats," Tonks muttered under her breath.

"Hey, have you been in prison?" Sirius questioned. She rolled her eyes in response. "Then don't talk."

Seconds later, the group, sans Esme and Sirius, took off. The two left behind gripped hands and disappeared from the spot.

They came back to number twelve Grimmauld Place; a light sprinkle of rain was falling. Sirius wrapped an arm over Esme to shield her, and grinning, they opened the door to the house to reveal none other than Severus Snape.

"Hello Severus!" Esme said cheerfully; still wrapped close to Sirius' chest, "Leaving already?" His lip curled.

"Yes, the meeting ended conveniently early," he looked at the couple in distaste, "_for some_."

"Well you can't just leave! It's freezing out their; you've got to stay for dinner. My mum makes the_ best_ dinners." She giggled, unwrapping herself from Sirius.

"Come now Esme, don't force the man!" Sirius' eyes narrowed, though he kept smiling.

"I'll stay, if it's not a bother." Snape glared at Sirius, who returned the favor.

"Wonderful!" Esme said, clearly ignoring the two, glaring men, "I'll go tell Mum to set another place for dinner." She trotted away into the kitchen.

Sirius and Snape glared at each other for a full ten minutes, until the front door opened up at five damp wizards and witches squeezed in, trying to make themselves as quiet as possible.

"Sirius!" The youngest one, Harry, gasped. Sirius quickly shushed him.

"You've got to stay quiet right now," he whispered. "Just head on upstairs to Ron and Hermione. They've really been missing you." But, just as Harry was about to leave, Esme burst in.

"Mum thinks it's wonderful for you to stay! You know how she likes having a full house. Oh, hello Harry! Why are you all wet and drippy?"

"Mad-Eye made us fly through a cloud," Tonks growled, her pink hair plastered to her scalp.

"Oh how…awful," Esme stifled a laugh. "Well, come on in, everybody. Oh, except you Harry, you should probably go unpack and whatnot."

The adults entered the kitchen, where the sweet smell of home-cooked food scintillated in the air. Everyone sat around the table, resting in an awkward five-minute silence. And then: "_SO YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU'VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN'T YOU?" _Esme and Tonks giggled as they listened to the rant.

"I see Harry's in a good mood today," Esme laughed, fiddling with a spoon.

"Ah, teenagers," Remus sighed.

"I remember being his age," Sirius laughed. "I thought it was quite fun."

"At my expense," Snape muttered.

"Will you two stop feeling sorry for yourselves?" Esme rolled her eyes dramatically, "It gets annoying after, I don't know, two whole years."

"I wasn't feeling sorry for myself!" They said together.

"Well you do it often enough, and it gets irritating, so stop," she said firmly. She set down her spoon and looked sternly at the two men, who immediately dropped their stares to the table.

"You're telling them what to do?" Remus' eyebrows shot up on his forehead.

"Well yes! I mean, I own his soul," she gestured towards Sirius, who smiled helplessly, "And Severus just does what I tell him to. I'm not sure why."

"If I don't I'm afraid she may start drugging me again," Snape said with a nod. Fred and George, who had apparated into the kitchen just in time to hear these last few comments, jumped in:

"You know, after having her as a sister," Fred jerked his thumb at Esme, "I no longer have any desire to date. Anyone. _Ever._"

"Yeah," George added, "you would swear that she spent good amounts of time planning out different ways to make boys cry. And from what I've heard, she's passed said teachings onto a younger generation of Gryffindor girls."

"You're going to let them talk to you like that?" Snape asked incredulously.

"At school I'm their professor," Esme shrugged, "but at home I'm their sister. Anyway, they're your students this year, not mine," she said with a smirk. She turned to Sirius, "Speaking of, are you even teaching with another professor this year?"

"Nope! The Ministry wanted to appoint someone, but they had no reason to do so, so they've just sent someone to watch over the school and make sure we're doing our jobs."

"That could be a problem," Snape smirked, but Esme leaned in, interested.

"Who have they sent?"

"Some old hag. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," but she stared off, looking distant. A moment later, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny raced into the kitchen.

"Sirius, the portrait's yelling at us again—Aah!" Ron cried out, noticing Snape. He turned towards Esme and hissed, quite loudly, _"What is _he_ doing here?" _

"You know, Mr. Weasley, I can hear." Snape's large nose wrinkled in dissatisfaction.

"He hears through his_ nose,_" Esme giggled. "He's here to meet some of his new students, of course."

"But he already knows us," Hermione said slowly.

"Let's not worry about that now," Molly said kindly, placing platefuls of food in front of everybody. "Now Esme, you were talking about your wedding?"

"I was? Oh, yes, I need more bridesmaids. Right now I only have Ginny, Hermione, and that Delacour girl. But I was thinking of adding Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell; I was sort of friends with them during school. Fred, George, how would you feel about that?"

"About what?" They inquired together.

"What is up with people speaking in unison today?" Esme laughed, "And I mean, how would you feel about being paired with Angelina and Katie?"

"I get Katie," George cried out, "she's a major babe."

"Honestly, where do they pick up this language?" Mrs. Weasley asked, staring directly at Sirius.

"Ahem," Sirius cleared his throat, "shouldn't we be more worried about Harry's upcoming hearing?"

"Yes," Esme spoke up. "I for one am very, very proud of him." She turned to face Harry, "You know, I was of age before I committed my first felony, and even that was only assault, and here you are, barely fifteen," she sniffed. "Oh, I bet your father's up in heaven smiling at you." While she spoke, Snape began looking at her in a way that, before now, only Sirius had looked at her: a small smile on his lips and an uncharacteristic twinkle. However, only two people at the entire dining table caught this look.

Ginny's eyes widened and she went quite pale as she watched the Potions Master, she turned to Hermione, whose jaw was hanging slack, and mouthed, _Did you see what I saw?_ Hermione quickly nodded back. By now they had attracted the attention of a few more tablegoers, and Molly looked at them, confused.

"Are you girls all right? You look as if you've seen a ghost."

"Oh no, Mum. What we saw was a hell of a lot scarier than any ghost."  
--


	3. Chapter 3: Umbridge Introduced

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

_The morning of Harry's trial, Ginny and Hermione's bedroom..._

"He's in love with her!" Hermione exclaimed, sitting up in bed. She pushed her hands through her bushy hair. Her cheeks were flushed crimson.

"No, he's not," Ginny said calmly. "If he was, Esme would have noticed something."

"Please, you just don't want him as a brother-in-law," she snapped.

"Damn straight," she shuddered. "But still, Esme loves Sirius, Sirius loves Esme, and Snape hates them both."

"Because the look that he was giving Esme at dinner a few nights ago was filled to the brim with hatred." Hermione stood up, placing her hands on her hips. "You have to face the facts, Ginny."

"Shut up, Hermione. Ginny shook her head, "We've got to tell Esme. I mean, she has to know that_ something's _going on."

"And what's she going to do, ask him?" exclaimed Hermione. "She couldn't do that! She'd just have to sit around, going crazy."

"You and I both know she wouldn't do that."

"Fine then. The moment we told her, she'd go off and kill him! And we can't let her do that!"

"Why not?"

"Some of us have morals, Ginny."

--

_Meanwhile, in the kitchen…_

"You know, I sort of hope Harry doesn't get expelled from Hogwarts," Esme said offhandedly, biting into her toast. It was barely seven a.m., and She, Sirius, Molly, Lupin and Tonks were sitting down to an early breakfast. Esme stared at her tea.

"Because the fate of the world rests in his hands?" Sirius smiled, reached out, and touched her arm. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes.

"No; if Harry gets expelled, that means that the school's standards of decency have gone up and we'll lose our jobs in the first month," she said flatly.

"Don't worry about it dear, just do your wedding invitations." Molly smiled and handed everyone a one-foot tall stack of unaddressed white and gold invitations. For several hours everyone who came downstairs was given breakfast and an identical stack; they had decided to invite every student at Hogwarts, and the invites had to be ready so Dumbledore could send them with the new school lists.

"I don't see why you couldn't just do all of these with magic," Ron whined, shaking out his wrist.

"Oh, but it's so much nicer to address them by hand," Molly said, giving Ron a look.

"Also, you can't do magic outside of school," Hermione raised her eyebrows at her friend, and then turned to Esme. "Have all of the professors received invitations?"

"Well, the professors are all helping with the wedding, Dumbledore and McGonagall just won't tell me how. All I know is that it's going to be outdoors," she furrowed her brow. "I'm not sure how they're going to do so in the middle of winter, but I trust them."

"Does Snape know you're getting married?" Ginny blurted out. Both Esme and Sirius raised their eyebrows.

"Of course, he knew before Mum and Dad did; he was the one who told all of those fourth years, who told everyone else." She looked at Ron and Hermione and smiled, "Not that I mind, of course." She raised her wand to address an envelope.

"Esme!"

"Sorry, Mum."

"Who have you already sent these to?" Molly picked up another stack of empty envelopes.

"Tonks, Remus, the boys, no other extended family, that's about it," said Esme, still playing with her wand. Red sparks shot out and lit a stack on fire. Sirius quickly extinguished it, though not before the stack had condensed into dust.

"I'll get the family list," Mrs. Weasley sighed. Every other Weasley at the table groaned. Over the four hours they'd been working, Tonks and Remus had had to leave, and Esme and Molly had left for an hour to work on the dress, and now they still weren't even halfway finished. Fortunately, the door burst open and they gained yet another worker.

"I'M NOT EXPELLED!" Harry cried, as he ran into the room to little praise.

"Yay," Ginny muttered. "Now help us with these wedding invitations. If we're not finished by lunch, we don't eat."

"But didn't anyone hear? I got—"

"I care more about my lunch than about your bloody trial!" Ron roared. Harry clamped his hand to his forehead.

"Ow, my scar. Maybe I should go lie—"

"Get your bloody hands on a stack of invitations," Fred growled, "or I will personally make sure that you don't make it back to Hogwarts."

--

A few days after Harry's trial, Esme and Sirius both had to leave for Hogwarts to put their lesson plans together. They also had decided that they wanted to put their rooms together, too. And for some odd reason, unbeknownst to her, Snape had agreed to help Esme move out.

"You're sure you want to do this?" he said tentatively as he folded another robe into a box.

"Yes! Honest to God, you sound like my mother," she paused. "Do not breathe a word of this to her."

"Right. You know, you're going to be quite far from the dungeons."

"It's worth it. Anyway, you'll have your whole room back, with no one accidentally knocking over the wall or setting fire to the beds…" She gestured to the scorch marks on the wall.

"As long as you're sure." Snape smiled sadly. The packed in silence for a few minutes, until a little fluttering owl came and tapped on the window.

"Pig!" Esme cried. "Oh, he's got a note from Mum!" She opened the letter and read quickly, then gasped, "Ron's been made a prefect!"

"Why?" Snape sorted.

"Shut up. Oh, I'm so proud! You know, I was never a prefect or head girl—"

"The surprises keep on coming."

"—and yet I had to patrol the corridors in my seventh year."

"That's because there was a giant beast roaming around the school, attacking students. Pureblooded seventh years, such as yourself, were less likely to be attacked. Anyway, I suppose you were already training to be a professor at that time, so they put you to good use."

"Yeah," Esme sighed, "Can you believe that was only three years ago? Now I'm a teacher _and_ I'm getting married. Sometimes I feel like this is all happening too quickly, you know?"

"Yes," Snape nodded. "Yes I do. Come on; let's get this stuff over to The Idiot's room."

"Stop calling him that!"

"No."

--

The Sorting Hat finished its song; all of the professors listening intently. When it was over, Esme was the first to break the silence in a whisper: "I suppose you were right last year, Severus; we do have to stand together."

"If we don't we'll die," he said softly. Esme turned to him, looking at him curiously.

"What do you mean?" Her eyebrows pressed together.

"Nothing; just be careful." He said quickly.

"I see." She gave him a skeptical, sidelong glance.

"Do as I say, woman!" he snapped. A few people turned to see who had caused the commotion, but when they realized it was Snape they looked back at Dumbledore.

"As our feast draws to a close, I must ask you for a few moments of your time," Dumbledore said gravely. The hall instantly went silent. "As many of you should know, a wedding will be taking place on the grounds over the Christmas holiday. I announce this, not because attendance is mandatory (it most certainly is certainly not), but so the bride and groom to be may stand and be applauded for their union." Uneasily, Esme and Sirius rose from their seats to wild applause. "Congratulations to you both.

"Now, we have a new addition to our staff here at Hogwarts: Professor Grubbly-Plank will be filling in for Professor Hagrid in the Care of Magical Creatures Department. We also have a Ministry official here—" However, just as Dumbledore was about to announce said official's name, a stout witch in a shockingly pink cardigan stood up and interrupted Dumbledore. Esme's lip curled in a surprisingly Snape-like fashion.

"I can announce myself, Albus," she chirped as an eerie smile crept over her flat face. Sirius' eyes looked hard and cold. "Students of Hogwarts, I am Ms. Umbridge. I will be spending the next ten months monitoring Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to make sure it is up to code. I will be stepping in on your classrooms to make sure the professors—especially the ones of the Dark Arts—" she looked pointedly over at Sirius, who fiddled with his hair, "are up to the Ministry of Magic standards. In short, I am the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts. I'm sure we're all going to be great friends!" As she continued her speech, Sirius, Esme, and Snape looked at one another in disgust.

"She's the bloody witch who thought it right to send me to Azkaban without a trial!" Sirius growled, while Umbridge kept talking. "She's one of the few Ministry workers who didn't apologize profusely when I was set free."

"Bitch," Esme muttered. Snape turned to her.

"This is serious, Esme. If we don't do something about her we're all going to end up fired and your idiot spouse-to-be could end up back in prison!" he hissed.

"Well then, I say we play Spanish Inquisition with the High Inquisitor and burn the bitch!" Snape and Sirius laughed a bit, but she stayed stony. "What?"

"You never paid much attention in History of Magic, did you?" Sirius muttered, grinning. Snape, ignoring him, looked at Esme hard.

"How, exactly, are you going to do this? And please don't say, 'Throw her and a lit match into a pool of oil.'"

"I'm going to do this by doing what I know best. And don't even ask what it is, boys, because you already know."

--

**A/N: **I beg of thee, revieweth!


	4. Chapter 4: An Arranged Marriage

Disclaimer: All except various OCs belong to Ms

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

_A discussion between Umbridge and Sirius goes a tad awry…_

"So," the short toad-lady fluttered, causing Sirius to flinch so inwardly his stomach actually contracted. "You are Dumbledore's new appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor?" When she read his title, her words cut like glass.

"Well I wouldn't exactly say 'new'; I taught here year too." He looked anxiously towards a window, wondering if he could survive a three-story fall. It probably wasn't the best idea.

"Uh-huh," she muttered, scribbling something on her clipboard. "And you are _living_ with the Potions professor, Esmeralda Slain?"

"Yes…" The window was beginning to look very appealing.

"And you two are _not_ married?"

"I'm not sure how this is pertinent."

"Yes well, the Ministry feels that the students should be taught about purity and good morals," she raised her eyebrows, eyeing Sirius' shaggy hair, "which they will _not_ learn from an unmarried couple that lives together."

"Since when has learning Magic had anything to do with having good morals?"

"Well, we don't want another Tom Riddle," she looked at him pointedly, but placed her hand over her heart. "Thank goodness that evil man is gone!"

"I don't think students being exposed to premarital…"

"_Yes?"_

"…_Living arrangements _will turn them into mass murderers."

"Well, you never know. You know, I believe all of those evil young men and women could have witnessed something scandalous when they were young and impressionable, and they perhaps thought that if someone else was doing it, why shouldn't they? Don't you agree?" His only response was an unnoticed twitch of the eye. Umbridge continued, "Now, what exactly are your lesson plans for the year?"

"I'm thinking of some basic defensive spells for every grade, and then I'll move on from there depending on each class's proficiency."

"Oh no, that won't do at all," her smile widened. "The Minister of Magic feels that all lessons should be taught out of the book that they assigned. After all, there isn't any _real_ danger out their."

"I beg to differ," Sirius said through clenched teeth, his eyes narrowing.

"Excuse me?" Umbridge's eyes widened, but she kept on smiling.

"There are threats out there, out in the real world. Our students, especially our upper years, need to learn how to defend themselves," he said simply. "Some of them will be studying to be Aurors once they graduate; they need to know basic defense or they'll never be able to pass the Ministry's tests."

"Well," Umbridge sniffed, "we'll let the Ministry deal with that. You just keep teaching them what they need to know while living in the school, where they're safe. And remember, Mr. Black, all they need to know is in the book, and I know an ex-convict like yourself doesn't want any more trouble with the Ministry." She turned to leave, but looked back to add, "I will be in tomorrow to monitor your classes—_all of them_."

Sirius just stared at her in a sort of horrified awe.

--

…_while Esme and Snape's interview gets a bit…interesting…_

"He said that she wants us to be teaching the 'Ministry's' way," Esme said, shrugging. "I suppose that means lying about everything that goes on outside the school." During lunch Sirius had filled her in on what happened during the interview, "Then she said that if he didn't teach that way she'd have him arrested." Esme frowned, looking thoughtful.

"So, what are you going to do?" Snape inquired. He and Esme had their interview together. He'd spent lunch praying to every deity he knew that Esme wouldn't say something stupid and get everyone fired.

"I have a plan, as usual," her eyes glittered and she smiled in a way that made Snape think she knew something he didn't. This put him off; he always tried to know everything.

"What—?" But he was cut off by a stout woman pushing herself into the dungeons.

"So! You are the two Dumbledore deems worthy of the title 'Potions Professor.'"

Esme put a fake, warm smile on her face and bubbled, "Oh, yes! And we are just _so _glad to meet you, Ms. Umbridge. My father has told me about all of the wonders that you've done for the Ministry, and to think, now you are lowering your workplace down to a common school. How noble!" Snape bit his lip to keep from laughing. If this was her plan, he'd highly underestimated her.

"Who is your father, dear?" Umbridge fluttered, obviously wondering who she should get Fudge to promote.

"Lucius Malfoy!" Esme said cheerfully, not skipping a beat. Snape's eyes flew open and his jaw dropped, but he recovered quickly noticing Umbridge's raised eyebrow.

"Lucius Malfoy? Husband of Narcissa Malfoy? I thought his daughter died a few days before entering school," Umbridge said skeptically.

"Oh yes," Esme simpered, "it was so tragic. That poor girl, they'd adopted that poor sickly girl right when she was born, poor dear. So unfortunate that she never was able to attend Hogwarts. But alas, they were able to channel their grief into helping another orphan: myself. You see, my mother was attacked by one of the Death Eaters who hadn't been arrested after You-Know-Who's death (of course the Death Eater was arrested days later), and my father had been killed in the war." She sniffed heartily, "I was only ten years old when my mother was murdered, and I was just so lucky that the Malfoy family took me in. For eleven years they've been a _loving_ and _wonderful _family to me. From the day they took me in I've been able to call them Mum and Dad," Esme pretended to wipe a tear from her eye. Snape turned around and bit his fist.

"Oh how _sweet!_" Umbridge gushed, "I'm sure, growing up in a family like that, that you're a wonderful teacher."

"Why thank you!"

"Now, is it true that you're engaged to Professor Sirius Black?"

"Oh yes! It was an arranged marriage by my father. Dear old Dad knew that we'd be a perfect couple. He thought that a bond between one cousin and one cousin's adopted daughter would be a wonderful way to smooth out the family's rough patches, without incest. And, of course, we _do_ love each other. You know, it was Narcissa's idea for us to move in together, just so we're sure that we can handle being married. Sirius is a perfect gentleman, of course," she winked merrily.

"He seemed a tad…high-strung."

"Well yes, he's a bit wild, but, you know, all men can be trained," she grinned. Umbridge giggled shrilly.

"So true. So, Professor Snape," Snape flinched; he'd been hoping Umbridge had forgotten about him, "you have been turned down for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching job, how many times was it?" Snape muttered something incoherent and Umbridge made a mark on her clipboard and simpered, "Well anyway, why do you think that was?"

"Perhaps because her _arranged husband _got the job before me." Suddenly a sound somewhat like a beeper went off on Umbridge.

"Well, that's all the time I have, unfortunately. Esmeralda, I must have you and your husband for tea some time." And she trotted off. Once she was out of hearing distance, Snape burst out laughing.

"Once Lucius finds out about this your going to be so dead."

"Lucius already knows," Esme said darkly.

"What?"

"When he legally disowned me, he told all of the media that I'd died. However, a simple Veritaserum test could prove that I am indeed living. The Malfoy name would be ruined. If I say I'm his daughter; I'm his daughter, and he's not going to argue with me."

"What about your wedding?"

"Well, you see, the Weasleys are very, very close _friends _of mine and Sirius…

"Ah."

…And they can all put Umbridge in a state where she can conveniently forget about the wedding. She'll just have a very apologetic New Years."

"Why were you not in Slytherin?"

--

"So, Esme, any idea why Umbridge is suddenly being _nice_ to me?" asked Sirius as he pulled on a nightshirt. Esme looked at her fiancé from the spot where she was reading in bed.

"No idea," she said lightly.

"Really? Well, I trust you," he smirked and climbed into bed, wrapping his arms around her.

"Good night, Sirius." She leaned over and grabbed and waved her wand, causing the candles that lit the room to go out.

After a few minutes of silence, Sirius whispered, "So, how is an _arranged marriage _part of your plan to get Umbridge?"

--

**A/N: **Love is like oxygen! And, um, so are reviews _hint hint_.


	5. Chapter 5: The Plan

Disclaimer: I own this like Al Gore invented the internet

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"So for this new plan to work, you have to be nice to people and act like a normal person?" Snape grinned as he said this. It looked unnatural. Esme glared at him, and he bit his lip until a low giggle escaped him. Then he exploded.

"Yes, Severus, now stop laughing!" she snapped. Snape nearly collapsed from his guffawing, but he immediately composed himself. "You know, being nice to the 'High Inquisitor' could get me a pay raise. If the Ministry likes me…" she trailed off.

"No! Bad Esme!" He hit her with a rolled up piece of parchment. She stared for a few seconds, and then started laughing.

"What did you call me?" she managed to gasp through her snickers.

"Um…"

"You just called me by my first name, sucker! You like me." Snape turned rather pale and looked away.

"No, no I don't. Well, I do, but just as a friend. Less then a friend actually, more like a coworker. Yes, you are my little coworker buddy and nothing more. Purely platonic!"

Esme stared at him, her expression completely blank, "Right…I'm going to go teach my class now. You stay here and be weird."

--

Unfortunately, Sirius didn't get to share his teaching time with a perky twenty-one year old woman. He got to share it with the ever-so-wonderful Dolores Umbridge.

In monotone, he addressed the class of fifth years, "Instead of studying the spells I'd planned to study with you, this year we'll be learning out of a book," the room of fifth years gasped. Not only had they never used a book in his class, they'd barely even been taught any spells. "Ms. Umbridge will be watching over the class." Harry's hand hit the air, "What, Harry?"

"Why aren't we learning the spells?" Sirius opened his mouth to answer, but was promptly cut off.

"I'll field this one," Umbridge fluttered. "The Ministry of Magic feels that a more the-or-et-i-cal," she over-annunciated each syllable, "approach to Dark magic is better than one that requires actual spellwork. You're completely safe in this school, Mr. Potter, so why should you need any way to protect yourself?" Harry's eyes narrowed.

"But we're not safe! Voldemort's back; I saw him with my own eyes!" Half the class flinched while the other half sniggered into their palms.

Again in monotone, Sirius intervened, "Harry, for not raising your hand I give you a night's worth of detention."

"What? Why?!" He glared at his godfather, who caught his eye and winked. Unfortunately, this paternal act was caught by Umbridge.

"Now, now, Professor Black, I'm sure you have many things to do to prepare for your wedding; why don't I just handle your detentions?" Her tone and cold smile gave Sirius the impression that arguing would be futile.

"Fine, whatever. Now everyone put your wands away and read your book."

"There," Umbridge said brightly, once everyone was reading, "isn't this a much better way of teaching!"

--

"That woman has got to be stopped," Sirius growled. He, Esme, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Snape were gathered in the dungeons. They'd traipsed in there after lunch, surprising Snape, who had been eating alone. "She's making me use books to teach. Books! Last year I didn't even use lesson plans!"

"All right, all right!" Esme threw up her hands. "I have a plan. But, it's going to take all of you to put it in motion."

"I don't want to lose my job," Snape said firmly.

"With Dumbledore in charge we have nothing to fear," Esme said calmly.

"With Dumbledore _alive_ we have nothing to fear," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Exactly! Now, for this plan, we have to…um…"

"You don't have a plan, do you," Snape said flatly, rolling his eyes.

"Well, no. But," her eyes glinted mischievously, "I know some people who might."

--

"So," Fred said, tenting his fingers, "you come to me on the night of our first day of classes just expecting a favor?"

"Yes, damn it! Now, do what we say or I'll deduct points!" Esme snapped.

"Fine!" George snapped. "Honestly Esme, you'd swear your morals were as loose as ours."

"I'd hope not," Sirius grinned. "Anyway, we need a plan that won't lead a trail but can distract Umbridge enough so we can start actually teaching again. If you have to kill her, it's fine with me."

"Sirius," Esme hissed, "no one is dying this year, at least not on my watch."

"Fine." He turned to the boys and mouthed, _Do what you have to do!_

"No worries," Fred grinned. "We know how to screw with someone's mind so badly they kill_ themselves_."

"No deaths!" Esme snapped.

After everyone had left, George leaned over to Fred and whispered, "Have any idea about what we're going to do?"

"Actually, yes. Do you remember what we did to Percy for about six months after he told Mum about our little 'enterprise'?"

"Why yes indeed I do."

"Did you save the list?"

"Indeed I did, brother."

"Excellent."

--

"You can't tell Esme about this," Fred hissed as he and George handed a small slip of paper to Sirius. "When we did this to Percy, things backfired and people got, well, burned." He rubbed a red patch of skin in his upper arm.

"I see." He scanned the paper, "This first thing seems rather…simple."

"Well yes, but it really drives people mad. It ate all of Percy's homework and Mum nearly checked him into an asylum," George grinned.

"And Umbridge's got all that kitty stuff in her office. It'll destroy that." Fred nodded. George looked at him, disgusted.

"Did you just say _kitty?"_

"Shut up, George."

"But you don't think Esme will be upset about not having a part in the plan?" Sirius' eyebrows pressed together.

"She'll get her part," George said mysteriously. "But for now it focuses around you, mainly because you're the one she sees the most. By the way, does she set up your lesson plans?"

"No…"

"Excellent," George leaned in and whispered a short plan to Sirius, who grinned manically.

"Bloody brilliant, boys. Now, let's let this rat loose." With a rap of his wand, he placed a Disillusionment Charm upon a squirming rat pinched in Fred's fingers. Fred, in turn, dropped the rat onto the floor, and watched as it scrambled towards Umbridge's office, where it had been charmed to confine for the next few days.

--

**A/N: **This subplot was inspired by Turquoise Girl's story "Snowy Confessions." Read the inspiration, it's funny!

--

"All right class," Sirius said, a calm smile gleaming on his face, "instead of teaching you wandless magic like I'd planned, I'm going to do something Ministry approved," a few students looked around, confused. "If you heard the Sorting Hat's song earlier this year, you'll know that we are supposed to come together in unity. Because of that, I have decided to assign you partners from different houses to raise this," he held out a plain chicken egg. "Your partner will be in the class, and I expect you both to keep a log on your baby's development."

He went around the class assigning students their partners. Ron shuddered as he was paired with Millicent Bulstrode, and Hermione nearly vomited when she was placed with Blaise Zabini. However, Sirius paused before he was able to assign Harry a partner.

"It seems we don't have enough girls in the class. No matter, Harry, you will be paired with Draco. You'll be our 'alternative lifestyle' couple."

--

That night, as he crawled in bed with Esme, Sirius whispered, "Sometimes I swear you're rubbing off on me."

--


	6. Chapter 6: Over the Edge

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Your fiancé has gone _way _over the edge this time, Esme!" Harry yelled, storming into Esme's office. She looked up from her magazine and pursed her lips.

"I don't care what you're talking about, Harry."

"This egg crap—"

"—Started six weeks ago," Esme interrupted. "Why is he over the edge _now_?"

"For the first six weeks the 'baby' hadn't been born. He'd assigned the fathers to parent it because he wanted us to 'Be like penguins'." Snape, who had been listening in, collapsed laughing.

"You sure know how to pick 'em!" he laughed. Esme rolled her eyes.

"Shut up and help me pick my cake, Severus!" She sighed, "Harry, just do what he tells you. It's an easy project and it's really upsetting Umbridge, so you're going to have to do it."

"Ah yes, speaking of, the invisible rat you stuck in her room doesn't seem to be having a great affect on her. The only things she's done are giving any student seen near her quarters detention," he subtly rubbed the red marks on the back of his right hand, "and decreed that if a student is found in a professor's office, they're suspended for an indeterminate amount of time."

He smiled to himself, looking at the office walls. Esme's side of the room was decorated with pictures of her friends and family. His favorite was a snapshot cut out from the _Prophet _the day it announced Sirius' freedom: he, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, Esme, and Dumbledore were arranged around Dumbledore's desk. Ron was unconscious, but no one seemed to notice. Snape's side of the office looked the same as it had three years ago: full of gross things in jars.

"Any complaints about the pranking must be given to Sirius Black or Fred or George Weasley," Esme said flatly, going back to her magazine.

"Right. Anyway, we need your help."

"Mine?"  
"Yeah, and Sirius too."

"Why?" Esme looked up again, her lips pressing together.

"_Look_," he hissed, jerking his head towards Snape, "_I can't really talk in front of_

_him."_

"Oh don't worry." She turned to face her friend, "Severus! Go away!"

"Fine, bitch," and he left. Harry stared, his mouth wide open, thinking, _Sweet Merlin, Hermione was right! I've got to tell Sirius!_

"So what was it you wanted to ask me, Harry?" Esme asked, once the door closed.

"Well, it's nothing that either of you need to worry about at the time, and I don't really want you helping; you could get thrown in prison, but," he inhaled deeply, "we're starting a Defense Against the Defense Arts club."

"Oh Harry, that's a wonderful idea!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you guys need this! I mean, Voldemort doesn't care whether or not you're trained, he's still going to attack." She looked at him thoughtfully, "Harry, if you need any help, Sirius is fabulous at the Defensive Arts. What do you need me to do?"

"Just watch out for us. Please."

"You have no worries."

"Thanks. By the way, Percy wrote me a letter."

"Did you burn it after performing an act of voodoo on it so he feels the pain of the burn too?" She smiled evilly.

"I'm not going to talk to you about this."

--

However, neither Esme nor Harry new that, right outside the door, Snape had an extendable ear plugged in and had heard everything that had been exchanged. He slowly slid to the floor, trying to decide whether or not to tell Esme that he knew. As he sat on the floor, Professor Flitwick walked past and bumped into Filch, who spilled tea all over him.

"Oh, my, Filius, I'm sorry."

"No worries Argus; I'm a cheerful midget who often gets things poured on him!"

As Snape watched this play out, he began to wonder: _Has Esme been drugging me again? That would be really nice._

--

"Sirius! I mean, Professor Black!" Harry yelled, rushing into Sirius' office.

"What is it Harry?" He dropped his voice to a low whisper, "I heard about your club; great idea! Just don't let Umbridge find out, now that she's banned student activities. Oh God, she didn't find out, did she?"

"It's nothing to do with the DA!" he said loudly. A few students in the halls whipped their heads around at the commotion.

"You didn't break your egg, did you? I knew you and Malfoy would be unfit parents, but a paired you together anyway. 'Settle the feud,' I'd thought." He sighed softly, "I suppose that the death of this poor child is all my fault."

"It's nothing to do with the fucking egg!" snapped Harry. "And also, his name is Devin."

"How nice. If it doesn't have anything to do with your son, then what is it?" He smiled cheerily at his godson.

"It's about Esme. Esme and Snape." The playful expression immediately faded from Sirius' face. He sat down in his chair and put his head in his hand.

"I knew this day would come. I knew it. How did it happen? Did you see them? Does the whole school know?"

"Esme didn't cheat on you." Harry said quickly.

"Oh thank God." He exhaled.

"But she might." Sirius looked up and stared at him.

"What?"

"Sirius, Snape's in love with Esme." Sirius went very pale and looked as though he might vomit.

"How can you be sure?" he finally said softly.

"Why else would he do whatever she tells him to? Also, Hermione said that every time she saw him look at her at the Grimmauld Place, he'd smile. He'd actually _smile_. That sounds like love to me."

"Oh, Merlin," he whispered. "Do you think I should tell Esme?"

"No. Hermione said that it's Snape's business and only Snape's business, and that if anyone tells her, it should be him."

"I see."

"I think you should tell Snape you know." He nodded numbly.

"I think so too. And Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for telling me. I can't marry Esme knowing _Snivellus_ could be a threat to me."

--

"Hey Snivellus!" Sirius snapped, walking into the dungeon.

"Ah, the call of a purely refined man."

"You're in love with my fiancé!" The sentence hung in the air like a kite. Snape stared at Sirius in an incomprehensible way. His eyes widened and his skin looked more sallow than usual. He looked almost hurt, rather than mad.

"Yes," he said softly, not meeting Sirius' eyes. "Yes, I am in love with her." Another hanging statement. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Um," Sirius hadn't thought about this, "stop being in love with her!"

"That isn't going to happen." He paused, choosing his words thoughtfully, "But, I promise you, nor is anything else."

"What?"

"I, Severus Snape, promise to never express my love to Esme Slain in any fashion. I couldn't put her in that position. It wouldn't be right." He looked up. His eyes were edged with tears, "Please, I'm begging you, don't tell Esme. She can't know."

"Why not? If I'm going to be marrying her then we shouldn't have any secrets between us," Sirius sneered. He was obviously enjoying having dominion over Snape.

"I've sworn to protect her for my entire life," Snape said softly. "Of course, if she knew, she'd want to be as far from me as possible, and I wouldn't be able to watch over her."

"You're her Protector?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"If something happened…"

"Nothing will happen. She's going to be my wife. I can protect her. While I'm alive, she doesn't need you." he snapped. Then he turned around and marched straight out of the dungeons, leaving Snape alone.

--

**A/N: **The plot thickens (sort of)! Your reviews help inspire me to write more! Please review!


	7. Chapter 7: Babysitting

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**--**

"You," Snape said firmly, raising an eyebrow at his only worthy adversary, "did not do anything to celebrate All Hallow's this year."

Esme glanced up from the stack of essays she was grading and said, "No, I didn't."

"And why not?"

"Last night was the two-year anniversary of when Sirius and I first met. We skipped the feast and had our own little celebration," she smiled at him, raising her eyebrows in a sort of well-you-asked fashion.

"Um," he turned a little green.

"Anyway, I'm getting old, Sev. I don't get a huge kick out of acting like an idiot anymore." She turned back to her papers.

"You're twenty-one. It's only been two years since you put on tight robes and flaunted your body like a new purse."

"Well, as little sense as that sentence made, I'll accept it. Yes, it's only been two years since then, but a lot has changed! I mean, I'm getting married in less than two months! I'm not a child anymore."

Snape smiled sadly. "Yes, I know. But I'll always remember you as the darling little four-year old that I used to babysit."

"You babysat me?"

"Oh yes! I did. Bellatrix did. Regulus did. You see, those were the days when we thought it was the highest honor to watch over the children of your elder Death Eaters." He laughed a bit.

Esme looked up at him, her eyes soft. "I forget that you were one of them." He looked away. She paused, and then asked, "What was I like as a child?"

He chuckled, "You were a sweet little thing. You see, Narcissa had a dog, one of those Yorkshire midget things, and you used to chase it around, catch it, and try to eat it."

"Did I behave for you?"

"Yeah, you liked me, but then again I only babysat you when you were about four or five, and didn't understand the horrible things I said. You didn't like Bellatrix though."

"Really?"

"Yeah, when you were five you once cut off all of her hair while she was sleeping. She was the one who got in trouble for falling asleep while watching a small child who had access to sharp objects."

"I cut off her hair? That sounds like something Fred and George would do to a babysitter." She grinned, remembering a time when she was fifteen and had woken up with paint smeared all over her.

"Speaking of, don't let your brothers give those candies to Umbridge. _You _should have confiscated them anyway," he held up a piece of colorful candy. Esme's grin widened.

"There are worse things they could be doing. They could be dressing up in skin-tight robes and flaunting their bodies to the student populace." Snape made a face.

"Ignoring that, could you cover the start of my class next Wednesday? It's fifth years; Gryffindors and Slytherins."

"And with the big Quidditch game coming up they're going to start picking on each other the second my back is turned," Esme said flatly.

"Two years ago you would have seen this as a challenge."

"I don't even have lesson plans for my own classes!"

"I could always have _Umbridge _fill in for me." His eyes twinkled. She scowled.

"_Fine, _I'll do it."

--

"Hello children! Professor Snape has something else to do for the first half of Double Potions, so I'll be teaching you today!" Esme smiled cheerfully at the class of apathetic, jaded fifth-years, and then added, "Unfortunately, ever since Umbridge took over, I doubted that I'd be able to keep my job past Halloween, so I don't have any lesson plans for _my_ classes, much less this one. So, today we'll be talking about…you're egg projects!" She cried brilliantly. After receiving many eye rolls, she groaned, "Oh come on! This is all I know about you guys!

"Harry," she addressed, "how's your baby Herman?"

"It's a girl and her name is Elisabeth," Draco snapped. Harry rolled his eyes and went back to cradling his "child."

"Um, okay fine." The silence hung there until Parvati raised her hand. "Yes Parvati?"

"Can we talk about your wedding?" she asked, giggling shrilly.

"Uh, sure! What do you want to know?"

"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

"We're not having a honeymoon; we can't afford it right now." Again, silence hung in the air, until Hermione finally said something smart.

"Why don't we make a potion?" she suggested.

"Yes!" Esme cried, "Brilliant idea Hermione! Ten points to Gryffindor. Now, you may make any potion found in your textbook!"

"Even love potions?" Lavender gasped.

"Any potion found in your textbook," Esme repeated, grinning.

Everyone set to work at their potions. Slowly, as they borrowed ingredients from the counter, Esme began to realize what each student was making. Hermione was mixing a rather difficult potion that would burst into flames when it came into contact with human flesh. She was also looking at Ron rather oddly. Harry was working on a potion that, when placed on a toilet seat, would make that seat so sticky that the only way to open it was the counter-solution that Ron was making. Lavender, who for some reason was sitting next to Draco (Esme later realized that Snape had probably assigned seats) was making a potion that would make the person it was poured on immediately fall in love with the first person her or she saw.

The students worked quietly for awhile until Snape burst in, cloaks billowing outward, a small smirk playing on his lips. "What's this I find? Students creating potions so different from the levels at which they've been taught? Interesting methods Slain. Very interesting. And what's this?" He peered into Lavender's potion. She flinched hard and knocked over her cauldron, its contents spilling all over Draco. He cried out and turned to Snape, then turned bright pink and began dithering about in his seat.

Esme, who had both witnessed this happening and knew exactly which potion Lavender was making, laughed so hard her head hit her desk.

--

"…So now Malfoy's infatuated with Severus, who's been sort of on the edge lately anyway, and that's about it," Esme said cheerfully. The moment she had seen a light in Hagrid's cabin, she'd decided to go down there at once. Now, three days later, she was sitting in his kitchen. "Oh, and my little brother Ron's made prefect _and _won the Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch game, but Harry, Fred, and George got kicked off the team, which isn't fair _at all_. But that's bureaucracy! So what's new with you? Where've you been for the past few months?"

"'Ve been up in t' mountains. Giants ye know. Nothin' ye need t' be worried abou'. An' Umbridge's lookin' t' fire me," Hagrid said, a little bit sadly.

"Yeah, she wants to fire all of us."

"I found Thestrals though! Ye want t' er, see 'em? Don' know if ye can..."

"I can't," Esme smiled at her old friend. "I'm one of the lucky ones."

Hagrid stared off past her, his warm smile fading, "S'pose after this war's over, there aren't gonna be any lucky ones."

Esme laughed, "Of course there'll be lucky ones, Hagrid! Sure, everyone'll be able to see the Thestrals, but that'll be because _they _killed people! Like the person who's gonna kill Lucius Malfoy: me!"

Hagrid politely asked her to leave.

--

Esme moaned softly as Sirius pressed his lips to her neck. "Sirius…oh Merlin." She sat up.

"Something wrong?" He pulled away from her gently. The two were lying in bed, barely clothed.

"No, I've just got a bit of a bad feeling about tonight. Sort of ominous, you know?"

"Like you're going to finally do that thing I've been asking you to do?" he raised his eyebrows suggestively. She smacked him on the arm.

"_No. _I mean like something bad is going to happen."

"Mmm, I wouldn't be worried. Only ten days 'til we get married," he smiled. She grinned back and pulled herself close to his body again.

"Well, then if there's nothing to be worried about…" but her sentence was suddenly cut off by his kiss.

--

Less than two hours later their room was burst into by none other than Minerva McGonagall. Sirius sat up instantly, pulling the blankets over himself and the slowly waking Esme. "Bloody hell, Minerva! It's nearly midnight!"

"No more cheese…" Esme mumbled. "I can't eat any more cheese…"

"Arthur Weasley has been attacked," Esme bolted up right in bed, revealing too much. McGonagall quickly looked away, "It is believed that he was bitten by a snake while on guard duty. The two of you must go back to Number 12 GrimmauldPlace immediately, before the children arrive. Here is your Portkey." She handed them a small mirror, "It's set to take you in seven minutes, so you may have time to, ah, put on clothing."

--


	8. Chapter 8: Christmas

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

The Portkey brought Sirius and Esme straight into the old living room. Sirius, landing on his feet, steadied Esme, who looked like she was about to faint. As they fell into the room, dark muttering occurred, "Blood traitors and scum, wedding to populate the earth with their…" The angry, half-naked elf was dusting around the corners of the dank living room.

"Out, Kreacher!" Sirius barked. The little elf tottered out of the room, throwing furtive glances back at the shaking couple and mumbling incoherently to himself. As soon as he left, Esme collapsed into Sirius' arms.

"Oh…God Sirius, I can't do this anymore," she whispered. "If it's not the wedding; it's the family, or the Ministry, or…" Sirius stroked her hair and walked her over to the sofa and lay her down.

"Shh, it's going to be okay. Everything's going to be o—" At that moment five teenagers in pajamas crashed into the living room. Esme bolted upright.

"Sirius?" Ron looked from his sister to her fiancé, "How'd you get here this fast?"

"McGonagall got us. She said something about your father…?" Sirius trailed off, looking at the group. Ron was bleary-eyed and Harry only looked a little shaken, but Ginny was near tears and the twins were livid.

"Ask Harry," George spat, "he's the one who saw it." And Harry went on, telling about how he was the snake in a nightmare; how he saw it attack Arthur. He finished with a, "_You _believe me, don't you?"

"It sounds plausible," Esme said thoughtfully, examining Harry. She snuggled closer to Sirius. "If it's true, he's probably already at St. Mungo's." From the blank look on Harry's face, she added, "The Wizarding hospital."

"We have to go there!" Fred cried.

"There's no way in hell I'm letting you leave the house in the middle of the night to go to a hospital that you don't know the location of," Esme said smoothly.

"Why not?" George growled.

"Because Mum would murder me and I'd probably get fired."

"Our father's dying and the only reason you won't let us see him is to preserve your job?!" George cried, incredulously. Esme glared at him, her jaw set.

"How can you even understand? You're not his real daughter!" Fred bellowed. Immediately a powerful silence overtook the room. Esme had turned very white and looked like she was biting back tears. Sirius, on the other hand, looked as if he was trying very hard not to hit Fred.

"That was uncalled for, Fred," Ginny broke the silence. Slowly, Esme got up, walked over to her brother, and wrapped him in a hug.

For hours they sat in silence; any notion of going to bed was quickly dismissed. Both twins fell in and out of slumber, Esme dozed on Sirius' shoulder, Ginny, Ron, Harry, and Sirius all stayed wide awake. By the time the letter from Molly, they'd each drunk at least four glasses of Butterbeer.

It was ten past five when Molly burst in. "He's going to be all right!" Esme opened her eyes and smiled at Sirius, who grinned so hard it looked like his face was about to split in half. Esme got up and hugged her mother, who gently pulled away, her eyes soft. "Esme, sweetheart, your father, he's not going to be able to give you away next week. He just won't be able to walk." Esme's mouth formed a tiny "O", but Molly continued, "But from what he said barely an hour ago, I don't think wild horses—much less a snake bite—could keep him from missing it." She grinned at her daughter.

Esme smiled, but Sirius cocked his head to one side, looking slightly worried. "Who's going to give you away then?"

"I suppose one of the other professors could do it," Molly suggested.

Esme frowned, thinking this over. "Well, they haven't really told me who's doing what. I'm sure Dumbledore…"

"Dumbledore's giving the service," Fred called out. Esme looked at him, her eyebrows wrinkling together.

"Um, okay, well, Flitwick would be a fine second choice…"

"Flitwick's playing the piano," Ginny said cheerfully. Esme stared at her little sister, who shrugged innocently.

"Alright; Hagrid's always been like a second father to me…"

"Guarding," Harry, Ron, and George said together.

"How do you know all of this?" Esme asked.

"How could we not?" George laughed. "But," a slow grin unfurled on his face as he looked from Esme to Sirius, "I haven't heard anything about _Snape._" Sirius clenched his jaw and turned white as a pang shot through Esme's stomach. She waited for someone to protest.

"Oh, he must be doing something," Esme laughed, sounding too loud and high-pitched. Molly stopped cooking to stare at her daughter.

"Nope," Ginny grinned deviously. Esme looked over at Sirius.

"What do you think, love?" she asked nervously.

"I think Snape would be a wonderful choice," he said through clenched teeth as Molly pressed the head of a spatula into his back. "In fact, why don't we invite him over for Christmas dinner?" Esme beamed.

"Fabulous! I felt so bad for not including him in the wedding party. I'm going to go get our room ready!"

As she left, Molly turned to Sirius. "That was a wonderful thing you did for my daughter."

He raised an eyebrow at her, "You didn't exactly give me a choice."

--

"Tell me about my fiancé," Esme, having finally cornered Remus, leaned in to hear what he had to say. Earlier today she'd gone to see Arthur, and after talking with her family, she'd realized, _I'm getting married in nine days. _Now it was later, and Remus and Tonks had come over to help decorate. Well, Remus was helping, Tonks was just in the way.

"You know, it's a little bit late to back out." He grinned as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to back out! I just want to know what he was like before Azkaban. I want to know what it was like being able to look in his eyes without seeing those traces of horror and pain!" She leapt into the air to prove her point.

"Fine, I'll tell you." Remus sat back and began tripping down memory lane. "When he was younger, he was a bit like you. He was very good natured to everyone but the Slytherins and he enjoyed playing pranks. He also dated around a lot: he'd date a girl for a week or so and then break it off. He always said that he was looking for someone special." Remus smiled briefly, "Guess he found her."

"Did you ever date him?" she asked innocently.

Remus stared at her, looking slightly confused and a little bit angry. "Esme I'm straight."

Esme laughed lightly, "No, seriously, did you two ever have a thing? I won't mind; I know he's bisexual."

"I'm straight, damn it!" And he left the room just as Sirius and Harry walked in.

"What's up?" Sirius grinned.

"Remus says he's straight."

"No he isn't!" Harry snorted.

"Harry, be nice," Sirius chastised. "He'll come to terms with it sooner or later."

--

"Hooray! My buddy's coming for dinner!" Esme sang. Christmas Eve had finally rolled around, and everyone had decided to have a nice dinner tonight so they'd have more time to visit Arthur the tomorrow and to prepare to leave for the day after that. Everyone, except Arthur and Molly, had to be at Hogwarts on the twenty-sixth, to help get ready for the rehearsal dinner. Arthur, in a wheelchair, and Molly would be arriving the next day, and the day after that was the wedding. This evening, the family would be joined by a good percent of the Order, including Snape.

"Yay," the twins cheered bleakly.

"Hey boys? What happened to my bachelor's party?" Sirius asked, winking at his wife.

"Oh, yeah," Fred spoke to the ground. "We couldn't find strippers."

"Actually, we found strippers," George added, "just not_ female_ strippers."

"Um, anyway…" Sirius attempted to change the subject after catching the looks Esme and Molly were giving him. Fortunately, someone knocked on the door, distracting the women.

Esme opened the door and cried out, "When you all said you'd be here at six, I didn't think you meant on the dot! Well, come on in." She led in Tonks, Kingsley, Remus, Snape, Emmeline Vance, and Mad-Eye. "Dinner's ready!"

As everyone sat down, Bill raised his glass. "I think we should have toast! To my darling baby sister and her fiancé: may they bless our family with many miniature crazy borderline-felons!"

"Hear, hear!" Everyone raised their glass, except the two being toasted to.

"What the hell does that mean?" Esme looked deeply confused.

"I think that means they want us to have many children," Sirius whispered.

"Ooh!" Tonks gasped. "You should name one after me!"

Remus stared at her. "But you hate your name."

"I'm single. I take revenge through my friends' children."

"_Hypothetical_ children" Sirius corrected.

"Actually love…" All color drained from Sirius', Molly's, Snape's, Bill's, and Charlie's faces. The table fell silent.

"Oh God," Sirius whispered, "you're not…"

"Just kidding!" she giggled.

"Stop doing that!" He turned to the rest of the table, "That's the third time!"

"So you're not actually pregnant?" Bill breathed a sigh of relief.

"Nope!"

"Well," Tonks said, "if she was she'd be naming it after me."

"Absolutely not! Our first born's going to be named Xenon." Esme stared at Sirius, her jaw slack.

"_Xenon?_"

"What? I like that name. It's classy."

"I think you two are overlooking what's important here." Mad-Eye looked like he was about to spout some huge amount of wisdom. "Your child should have a strong and powerful name. A name that people should remember. Its name," he paused for dramatic affect, "should be Alastor."

--

"So you're _not _actually pregnant." Arthur looked for clarification. Sirius, Esme, and Molly had just finished telling him of last night's dinner as a way to distract Molly from the fact that he'd gotten Muggle stitches.

"No Daddy, I'm not," Esme said, batting her eyelashes innocently.

"Good. And no, I don't mind if you name your first born son Alastor."

"He said it'd be a find name for a daughter, too," Sirius added, his eyes sparkling with mirth.

"I thought you swore to name your daughter Xenon?" Arthur smiled at Sirius, happy to talk about something other than his health.

"Who told you _that_?" Esme asked, making a disgusted face.

"Remus."

"Well, as lovely a name as Xenon is," Sirius began, "now's not the right time to discuss children."

"In fact," Esme said, checking her watch, "it's about time we round up the kids. We've got to get packed for tomorrow."

As they left, Arthur turned to Molly, looking worried. "She's not actually pregnant, is she?"

"Dear Merline I hope not."

--


	9. Chapter 9: Wedding Planning

Disclaimer: Typical disclaimers apply

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Hello my wonderful readers! I recently got a review asking if Esme was _really _pregnant. Don't worry, she isn't. It just wouldn't be a good idea, you know, what with the whole Voldemort issue.

Anyway, you may notice that my final two Esme Slain stories (_Hooray for not being Dead, Fired or Eaten _and _Teacher's Guide to Dictatorship Rebellions) _have both been deleted. I did that on purpose, they weren't cleared by the site. This chapter may be my last update (although there may be one more, but if it isn't posted on Friday; this is it) until around June 18th (I'm going somewhere without Internet access) and I didn't want anyone to read those two stories and spoil the end of this one, because it does have a rather large twist!

If you have already read the fourth and fifth stories, then you should know that the ending to the fifth one's going to be changed! Esme's "final fight" with Bellatrix is a lot longer than it was originally, and the two characters that barely speak to each other and are on very bad terms by the end of the story end up having a huge confrontation! But that'll be posted later, for now, here's a wedding!

--

"Line up by height to receive your duties!" McGonagall barked at Sirius, Esme, Snape, and all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids.

"I thought the professors were in charge of setting everything up," Snape grumbled. He slipped in between Esme and Sirius.

"You realize, Severus, that you do technically work here," McGonagall growled, "_for now."_ Remus stepped in next to Snape just as Tonks took her place in front of Esme. She bumped into his chest and giggled shrilly, turning bright red.

"Professor McG?" Fred called.

"Don't call me that."

"Fine, Minnie. George and I are the same height; who has a higher rank?"

"George does."

"What? Why?!" Fred protested.

"Because he doesn't call me 'Professor McG'. Now, the two of you shall be overseeing the house elves as they bake the wedding cake."

"Shouldn't someone watch over them to make sure they're treating the elves humanly? I mean, elves are people too," Hermione said. McGonagall sighed.

"No they're not," Ron muttered.

"Fine; Hermione, you and Fred will oversee the house elves. George, Ron, Remus, Severus, and Sirius will be cleaning the sixth floor ladies' loo. Professor Dumbledore will be assisting you. Any questions?" George, Ron, Remus, Snape, and Sirius all raised their hands. McGonagall promptly ignored them. "Now, Bill and Charlie, you will be assisting Hagrid and Professor Flitwick. You will be making sure that everything outside is ready for the twenty-eighth. All of the ladies will be having a dress fitting."

"What's Hermione going to do?" Ginny asked, looking worried.

"Hermione, you and Katie are about the same height and weight, aren't you?" Esme shifted her glance from one girl to the other, looking them over.

"Yes, I think so."

"We'll just try your dress on her and make any adjustments tomorrow."

"Splendid!" Dumbledore cried cheerfully, appearing out of nowhere. "Now come on boys, let's head to the ladies' toilet!" Snape and Sirius both looked furtively at Esme before they traipsed off to clean the bathrooms.

--

_And now, a brief look into the next several hours._

"So, why exactly are we transforming a bathroom into a five-star spa?" Snape, who was down on his knees scrubbing the floor, looked at Dumbledore expectantly.

"It's tradition for the bride, her mother, and her bridesmaids to be treated to a day of luxury, like a spa." Dumbledore smiled as he conjured massage tables out of nothing.

"So who gives them the massages?" Ron's expression was confusion mingled with elation. "Us?"

"No," Dumbledore chirped, "just house elves."

"Hermione wouldn't like him referring to them as a 'just'…" Harry muttered.

--

"George!" Hermione screeched for the umpteenth time. "Stop treating them like little slaves!" She planted her hands on her hips and glared at George in a way so like Molly's that he actually flinched. Then, of course, he remembered who he was dealing with.

"They like it!"

"No one likes to be yelled at!" she yelled.

"Then stop yelling at me!"

"Stop telling them to add more layers to the cake and to find you old copies of 'Playwizard'!"

"It's what Esme commands," he said, sounding dignified.

"Esme commands you to read_ pornography_?" She looked at the nearly-naked woman on the front of the magazine pointedly.

"You know, she probably does!"

"You're a pervert!" she cried.

"You're annoying!" he snapped.

"I really dislike you!"

"You're my least favorite bushy-haired, know-it-all, Muggle-born!"

"If it weren't two days before the wedding, I'd probably hit you!"

"Bring it on!"

"Dobby commands you to stop yelling!" Dobby yelled, dropping a tray of treacle tarts.

"Go help Esme, Dobby!" Fred growled.

"Dobby's old master was more pleasant than you two!" he yelled again, still not getting noticed.

"Oh yeah? Well, Dobby's old master carries a pimp cane!" Fred said mockingly.

Hermione and George stopped fighting and stared at Fred, looking minorly disturbed. "Why did you _say_ that?"

--

"Is it big?" Angelina leaned in, giggling.

"I'm not telling you," Esme repeated for the umpteenth time. She folded her arms while she watched the other girls try on their gowns.

"Why not?" Tonks laughed. "Come on Esme, have a little fun."

"No!" Esme cried, smiling a little. "We're their professors! It's disturbing that they even know we're having sex."

"You share a room. We're not that dumb." Katie rolled her eyes.

"Your professors 'ave relationsheeps?" Fleur inquired with a sniff, "At Beauxbatons we never 'ad zose kind of scandals!"

"Look blondie," Ginny hissed. "If you desire to survive this wedding, I'd recommend not insulting the explosively violent bride." She nodded towards Esme, who looked like she might hit Fleur.

"Should I just not talk?" Fleur asked softly.

"It would be best that way."

"I should talk to Bill about zees living arrangements."

--

"Charlie, what girl are you walking down the aisle with?" Bill looked at his brother curiously; he'd only just realized that there weren't enough girls to go around.

"I'm not," he said, shrugging.

"What?"

"I'm working with Hagrid to keep the unicorns under control."

"Did Esme really say she wanted unicorns?"

"I don't think Esme really had any say in the wedding preparations, or else it probably wouldn't be outside in the middle of winter."

"I dunno, making us all suffer for the sake of her amusement? It sounds like something she would do."

_And alas, all of this went on until…_

"Um, Professor McGonagall, where are we going to sleep?" Esme asked (she still wasn't used to calling her old professors by their first names). Everyone had been working for several hours and, though it was still early, they all were quite tired.

"Oh yes. I suppose that is a bit of a problem. You see Esme, Umbridge is in the Room of Requirement, believing that she is ill or something, and you and Sirius can't go into your room for another two nights," she smiled mischievously. "I suppose you all could stay in Gryffindor Tower."

"Why Minnie, that's a wonderful idea!" Dumbledore, again appearing out of thin air, interjected. "In fact you all can stay in the fifth year dorms!"

"Could I just sleep in my room?" Snape said, his shoulders sagging.

"Oh Severus, why would I force you to miss a night of mischief with your friends?"

--

_In the girls' dorm…_

"Gee, five beds and seven girls. What to do, what to do?" Esme surveyed the room distastefully.

"Why don't we just convert two of the beds into bunks?" Hermione said slowly.

"Brilliant idea Hermione! Twenty points to Gryffindor!" After they'd finished transfiguring two bunk beds, the girls all unpacked and sat down to do what they did best: gossip.

"So, Esme," Tonks raised her pink eyebrows, giggling, "what's the story behind you and Sevvie?" She pursed her lips and began making kissing noises.

"I don't really want to disillusion the girls who think it's something totally scandalous," Esme said, suppressing a laugh.

"Don't beat around the bush, sister," Ginny said.

"We work together. We see each other almost every day. We're forced to be civil with each other, and in our case we've actually formed an emotional bond. Are you happy?" Esme said flatly.

"Growing up is boring," Ginny whined in response.

--

_…and in the boys' dorm._

"Gee, five beds, eight guys, and a Snape. What to do, what to do." Sirius surveyed the room mischievously.

"We could do something brilliant and, I don't know, transfigure some beds into bunks," Snape said, rolling his eyes.

"Snivellus, your talking privileges have been revoked. Now who volunteers for the floor?" No one stepped forward. Sirius grinned lavishly, "Fine. We'll share beds. Now who wants to share with me? Just remember, I'm used to cuddling up to an extremely attractive woman every night!"

--

"I spent the night in bed with your idiot cuddler of a fiancé," Remus growled.

"Tee hee! I knew it! Was it good?" She leaned in giggling. Remus took the moment to smack her in the head. "Ow! Sirius! You're best man hit me!"

"Hit my wife again and I'll lock you in a room with her at her special time of the month. Same goes for you, Esme dearest."

Unfortunately, this was all happening around the breakfast table. With McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Molly and Arthur, who had both arrived earlier that morning.

"I knew we should have taken the afternoon train." Arthur massaged his temples. Regrettably, that was not the end of that morning's conversation.

"You know, Harry's a cuddler too," George said, smiling suggestively. Harry stared at him.

"George, how would you even know? I shared a bed with Ron."

"You have very cold feat, by the way."

"I can tell by the way he looks. Snape's also a cuddler," George said wisely.

"I regret forming bonds with this family."

"Ha! Sevvie has a family! Just like a normal person!" Esme laughed maniacally, until Snape began pouring salt on her head. :Hey, pouring salt on the bride is bad luck!"

--

"Mmm, I love getting massages." Esme smiled as an elf walked across her back.

Tonks grinned at Esme, mischief glinting in her eyes, "Just like the ones Sirius gives, eh?"

"Shut up _Nymphadora. _I'm not talking about my sex life in front of my students! Or my mother for that matter," she said, sneaking a glance at Molly.

"Oh no dear, I don't mind! In fact, this one time, your father and I…"

"LALALALALA! I CAN"T HEAR YOU! LALALALA!" Esme covered her ears with her palms. "Really Mum, I don't want to know."

"I know dear, I just want you to know that I realize that premarital sex is common these days…"

"Just _stop talking!"_

Tonks giggled, "Heeheehee, Virgin Girl has nothing to fear." All of the other bridesmaids, who'd been listening to the older girls speak in awe, turned their heads, their jaws slack.

"You mean—" Ginny began.

"You're a—?" Hermione couldn't finish, she just turned very pink.

"But for Christmas—" Ginny tried again.

"In time you shall learn, children," Tonks said sagely.

--

"So, tell me again why I'm spending the day before my wedding scrubbing floors?"

Arthur, from his spot scrubbing the walls, sighed, "Tradition."

"Started by women?" Charlie grinned.

"Actually, no." Dumbledore, who for some reason was helping them scrub, began to tell another obscure story. "You see, many years ago, well, actually up until about the 1960's, a wizard's wife had to spend all of her time cleaning and cooking and watching over the children. Back when Hogwarts was started, Godric Gryffindor noticed how many young women felt that the young men should be forced to experience what they'll have to go through as wives. He decreed that, in order for a wizard to get married, he must spend an entire day cleaning and treating his bride like a goddess. Fortunately, with the sexual revolution, times have changed and women are allowed to leave their homes. However, the curse that he placed was never lifted, and any wizard who doesn't clean and treat his bride like a goddess receives that wrath of Gryffindor."

"Which is what?" Snape asked curiously.

"Instant death."

"Is that the punishment for every wizarding bond broken?" Snape cried incredulously. "I mean honestly! Unbreakable Vows, weddings…"

"Protectors too," Dumbledore said, nodding wisely. Snape stared at him, a little bit mortified.

"Really?"

"Well, nobody really knows. No one's ever been foolish enough to fail!" he added cheerfully.

Sirius had to stuff his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.

--


	10. Chapter 10: The Wedding

I have been looking forward to writing this chapter for the longest time

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Hey everyone! I got a ton of great reviews asking me to post a chapter before I leave, so here it is. Everyone who reviewed totally rocks. Dumbledore's little speech is from DH, just so you know.

--

"OH MERLIN! JUST PUT THE FIRE OUT WITH A SPELL!" The cries of anguish and fear immediately woke the sleeping bride and groom. As well as Remus, Tonks, Bill, and Charlie.

As it had turned out, many of the wedding guests, mainly Gryffindors, had arrived the night before the wedding, rather than the day of. Because of this, all of the adults had been kicked out of the dorm, and were forced to sleep in the common room. Snape was allowed to return to his own sleeping area.

"Nnnngh, it's too early for fires," Esme stretched and pulled a blanket over her head, causing Tonks, who had been lying on the couch above her, to roll over and land on Esme's legs. Esme pushed her off, making her head slam into Remus's bare chest.

"Um, does anyone want to deal with the flaming dormitories?" Charlie was used to waking up this early, and it seemed like he was the only one who cared for the students' well-being.

"NO!" Sirius hurled a pillow at Charlie's head. "What time is it, Esme dearest?"

"Nine-thirty," Esme said through a yawn. The room was still for a few minutes, until everyone bolted upright crying, "NINE-THIRTY?"

"We were supposed to be downstairs an hour ago!" Tonks cried.

"Oh Merlin," Esme gasped. "The guests are arriving in…ten minutes ago."

"Well gasping about it won't change anything." Sirius leapt up in a bizarre burst of proactivity. "Let's skedaddle!"

As everyone rushed out of the room, Charlie was the only one left behind saying, "But what about the students…?"

"We're here!" Esme cried flamboyantly, popping into the Great Hall. "Has anyone arrived yet?" McGonagall fixed her with a stern look, remnant from Esme's days in detention.

"Everyone's arrived!" she gasped, ushering the group into the hall. Snape, who had arrived on time, looked up from his pumpkin juice and smiled icily.

"Damn. How can they be so punctual?"

"They took a train. Now sit down and look pretty."

Esme grabbed her spot next to Snape and flashed him a perfect smile. In response, he quipped, "It amazes me how you can be late for your own wedding."

"It's not my wedding yet; I was just late to meet the guests. I barely know most of them," she said quickly, looking away.

"I'm surprised that the whole school came." As an afterthought, he added, "Are you honestly not nervous at all?"

"I'm more worried about my dad getting drunk at the reception." She eyed her father, who was talking loudly to a Muggle-born Ravenclaw girl, who looked as though she was searching for an exit strategy.

"I'm serious! You're about to say that you want to spend your entire life with someone. How can you not be nervous?"

"Sirius and I were made for each other."

"Sure you think that _now_, but…" He trailed off, looking at her pointedly.

"Look, Severus, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. I know that I'm ready to spend my life with Sirius. Deal with it."

"But, like, what if, when we get older, our personalities change and we're no longer compatible?" Esme gasped to Snape as she rushed to straighten out her dress. "And he's so much older than me, and Azkaban's taken so much out of him, what if he dies way earlier than me? How could I go on? What if we're barely compatible now and we're just dealing with each other until the wedding? Or what if one of us gets killed in the war? Why did we choose to get married in times of war? Why Severus, why?" Snape's jaw clenched.

"In all honesty, I don't care. I don't see why you couldn't have thought of all this ten months ago, when he proposed, or six hours ago at breakfast, or maybe, just maybe, ANY TIME OTHER THAN TEN MINUTES BEFORE YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE!" Looking in Esme's scared eyes, Snape's expression softened. "Don't worry Esme, it's going to be all right. You and the Idiot have been practically married since the start of the school year."

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks Sev," she beamed at him.

"You're welcome." He studied Esme's face closely, then traced the spot where Lucius had cursed her nearly a year and a half ago, "What happened to your scar?"

"I covered it with this brand-new invention called make-up! It was just invented by the ancient Greeks."

"Don't get cheeky. Why don't you do that all the time?"  
"I will not cover my battle scars until I have killed the man who gave them to

me," she said, her jaw set.

"Think happy thoughts, Esme. Happy thoughts." At that moment, Tonks poked her head into the room.

"You two have to get out here, NOW! It is really not classy to be late for one's own wedding!"

--

Esme gasped as she and Snape took their first their first steps onto the plush gold carpet. As Flitwick began to play on his organ, they both took in their surroundings.

Delicate, snow-white chairs had been set up on the grounds, which had been charmed to stay pleasantly warm, but keep the snow from melting. Snowflakes swirled around the guests; when they fell they felt like soft tiny feathers. Soft white unicorns stood shyly around the edges of the chairs, whinnying gently every so often. White balloons and lace were scattered about. Dumbledore, adorned in robes of pure gold, smiled warmly, his blue eyes twinkling at Sirius, who had his long, black hair tied back with a white silk ribbon. He wore a tuxedo with a white rose pinned in the buttonhole.

Because Sirius' parents were no longer living and probably did not care whether or not he got married, Snape and Esme were the first two people the crowd saw. And they were quite a sight. Snape looked like he had actually bathed for once; his hair was soft and silky and trimmed neatly around his ears. He wore dress robes that made him look less emaciated than usual. Esme, however, was the one taking everyone's breath away.

Esme looked, to say the least, stunning. Her long black hair had been loosely plaited and lay, entwined with white roses, against her back. Any traces of scars and battles had been cleaned from her face, and what were left were two sparkling blue eyes framed with long, black eyelashes and a ruby-red smile. Her veil barely covered her face, but in the back, it went down to her waist. A small tiara held it in place at the top of her head. Her mother's necklace lay flat around her neck, the diamond heart barely touching the top of her gown.

Her gown was, of course, pure white. The strapless bodice had a line of white pearls around its top and its waist. The dress fell into a perfect A-line and trailed just a bit behind her. The moment Molly saw her she began sobbing into her handkerchief.

Esme and Snape were followed by the bridesmaids and groomsmen, with Tonks and Remus leading the way. The bridesmaids' dresses were a pink that was so soft it almost looked white. Tonks had set hers off with ribcage-length hot-pink hair.

When everyone arrived at the end of the carpet, Dumbledore began to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered her today to celebrate the union of two faithful souls. May their marriage be blessed and fruitful, and may Merlin watch over them for as long as they both shall live. May they be faithful and loving, honoring and trusting, and never parted until the day they die." He turned to Sirius, "Do you, Sirius Orion, take Esmeralda Genevieve, to be your wife in the eyes of Merlin and the Ministry?"

"I do," he said, smiling.

Dumbledore turned to Esme, "And do you, Esmeralda Genevieve, take Sirius Orion, to be your husband in the eyes of Merlin and the Ministry?"

"I do," she whispered.

By now, of course, almost the entire crowd was in tears. Tonks had tears glittering in her eyes, and Remus was biting down hard on his lip. Flitwick, who had stopped playing, was sobbing quietly into his hands. Hagrid wept quite loudly, and seemed to be scaring the unicorns. Even Snape looked like he was having a great difficulty containing himself. Almost every female student was crying into almost every male's shoulder. McGonagall was discreetly dabbing at her eyes. Even Mad-Eye was wiping away tears with the back of his hand.

"By the power given to me by the Order of Merlin, I declare you bonded for life."

And as they kissed, beautiful doves swirled around them and all of the white balloons popped with the sound of very loud bells.

The unicorns disappeared into the woods, never to be seen again.

--


	11. Chapter 11: The Reception

**Typical disclaimers apply; also, I don't own any Whitney Houston songs. **

**A/N: **I'm back from the Land of No Internet Access!

--

"Esme, you know, it's not exactly traditional for the bride to eat the dinner while sitting on the groom's lap," Molly said tersely, her jaw clenched. Esme was perched delicately on Sirius' lap, daintily chewing forkfuls of food. Everyone had been brought into the Great Hall for the reception. The floor and dishes were all shimmering gold. Esme was beginning to wonder whether or not her parents actually paid for any of the wedding.

"Thanks Mum, but I'm good where I am." Esme smiled as she sawed open the pork chop she and Sirius were sharing. About half of the hall was watching them intently.

"At least wait until the children aren't staring." Molly rubbed her eyes, wondering what on earth could be wrong with her daughter.

"Pfft, we're married; it's allowed." She turned her attention towards Remus. "Hey, Best Man, aren't you supposed to be making a speech?"

Remus turned white, realization slowly dawning in his eyes. Sirius had mentioned it to him when he asked him to be his best man, but, like everything else in this wedding, he figured it was a joke. "Speech?"

"The best man traditionally makes a speech." A slow grin unfurled over Sirius' lips.

"But, I thought this was a nontraditional wedding," he said quickly, beads of perspiration sprinkling his forehead. "I mean, the bride _is_ eating off the groom's lap." Sirius turned bright red.

"She's not eating off my—"

"I'd eat off your lap," Esme said, smirking.

"ESME!" Molly and Sirius cried at the same time.

"Please, Remus," Arthur interjected, "just make the bloody speech."

"But I haven't written one!" he protested.

"Just make something up!"

"Fine." He stood, and, clinking his glass until it broke and he swore quite loudly, causing the crowd to turn and stare. "Um, as you know, I'm the best man, and I have a, uh, speech for this young couple. Now, I've known Sirius and Esme for quite awhile, and I know that they are both somewhat…unique. Therefore, I have prepared a rather unique speech." He cleared his throat and began to sing, quite sharply, "AND IIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU!" Several people dropped their goblets, and one of Molly's crystal earrings shattered. Fortunately, just as Remus was just about to do another line of the song, he seemed to develop laryngitis. Esme looked in the direction of none other than Mad-Eye Moody who was not-so-subtly pointing his wand at him.

_Thank you, _she mouthed.

The reception went on. People finished their meals, watched the cutting of the cake, and then began to dance. One of Esme's few requests for the wedding had been an open bar, however she didn't really specify _who _could or could not be served, so many of the students spent much of the night sipping Firewhiskey.

Sirius had just noted that Fred and Angelina were both looking a little tipsy.

"We're their professors, shouldn't we stop them?" he asked nervously, watching the pair stumble gracelessly around the dance floor.

"Nah," Esme shrugged. "They're of age. If their parents don't want them drinking they can stop them." She nodded her head towards Molly, who was watching Fred with a steely glint in her eyes.

"Well what about him," he jerked his thumb in Snape's direction. Since Remus's "speech," he'd been swilling down a mix of Firewhiskey and champagne. Now he was rising from his chair and wandering over to the dance floor.

"Meh. I wish he'd stop; that champagne's pretty expensive. Although, I am slightly curious about what Severus acts like when he's drunk." Her grinned widened as Snape tripped over to Trelawney, who had had more than her fair share of the champagne, and the two began gyrating over the floor in what they must have thought was a way of dancing. Sirius smirked at his wife.

"The world is here to amuse you, is it not?"

"It is. It very definitely is."

--

Esme and Sirius nearly burst out laughing when they saw their room. Dumbledore had made it clear that they weren't allowed to enter their quarters until after the wedding, hence the sleeping in Gryffindor Tower. However, they'd not expected to find what they found upon stepping over the threshold.

Some professor must have gotten it into their head that either Esme or Sirius was a big fan of pink…and early nineteenth century décor. Their shabby window coverings had been transformed into pairs of obnoxiously pink, heavy, velvet, floor-length curtains. The floor, walls, and ceiling had all been transformed from grey into the same bright pink. The headboard of their new, very large bed was covered in carvings of sprites and fairies. Sirius looked ill. Esme just stared in a sort of horrified awe.

"Who…what kind of horrible person would do this to us?"

"Umbridge," Esme said, finally finding her voice. "Possibly Snape, but more likely Umbridge."

"We should set a pack of werewolves on her," Sirius said firmly. Esme turned and stared at him.

"Ah yes, speaking of, did you see Remus and Tonks snogging for England during the reception?" she asked conversationally. He grinned wickedly at her.

"I did. I also noticed that your brother and that snooty French girl were doing the same."

"Oh, Mum won't like that," she laughed. Realizing that Sirius was staring at her, grinning, she asked, "What?"

"Well, tonight basically has to make up for the entire honeymoon we're missing."

"Ooh, but the room looks too nice to mess up!" she said sarcastically.

"There's always the bathroom…"

She stared at him, looking a little confused, "Love, we don't have a private bathroom." Of course, then she jumped on him and pulled him onto the bed.

Esme reached into their (pink) bedside table and pulled out a new box of condoms and a handful of scented candles. "Oh, wow, I guess she thought ahead."

Sirius, who had been kissing Esme's neck, looked up, seeming slightly disturbed. "That's more than a little disturbing when you think about it."

--


	12. Chapter 12: Occlumency

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Oh Esme, you'll never believe what happened last night!" Tonks gushed, joining Esme at the Head Table.

"Did you get drunk and screw with Remus?" groaned Esme as Tonks sat down clumsily next to her best friend. The two girls, Dumbledore, and Sirius were the only people in the Great Hall; everybody else was nursing a hangover.

"Um, almost," she turned as pink as her hair as Dumbledore and Sirius turned to look at them.

"If I remember correctly, Miss Tonks, Mr. Lupin is a sobbing drunk," Dumbledore quipped lightheartedly.

"Yes he is." Tonks sucked in the air through her teeth.

"You know," Sirius said thoughtfully, "if you were to marry Moony, all three of the _real _Marauders would be interrelated. James' daughter is my wife, my cousin's getting it off with Moony, and eventually we'll both have children and they shall wed and the world will achieve balance." Everyone at the table just stared, unable to respond.

However, the awkward silence was interrupted by Snape, who had burst into the hall while carrying an armload of candles and underwear.

"I found _these _in my room," he said, unceremoniously dumping them on Esme's plate.

"It's not my fault if the decorator thought your room needed more color," Esme said cheerily.

"I don't care, Esme. Just take your bloody candles and…_delicates_."

"You're mean."

"I'm hungover."

"That's really not my fault. You know, I can have fun on my wedding night without a drop of liquor in my blood," she said proudly.

"Swell," he rolled his eyes. "What's for breakfast?"

"Whatever the elves haven't gotten around to cleaning up." Tonks picked at her piece of stale wedding cake.

"Ah, Severus?" Dumbledore raised a hand to stop Snape from getting his leftover cake and hors d'oeuvres. "Don't you think that today would be a good day to speak to Harry?"

"What are you speaking to Harry about?" Sirius said suspiciously. Snape smirked.

"Occlumency."

Fire shot up in Sirius' eyes. "If anyone's teaching him Occlumency, shouldn't it be me? I'm the defensive arts professor, not to mention his _godfather_."

"Do you _know_ Occlumency?"

"I refuse to dignify that question with a response."

"I see," Snape smirked. "You may come with me when I speak to him, if you desire to do so."

"Don't test my will, Snivellus."

"Twenty galleons on the tall one," Tonks hissed to Esme.

"You mean my husband?" she hissed back.

"Yes…him."

"Well then, will I be seeing you in my office around one?"

"Yes! Yes, we will be there!" Sirius turned to Esme, who was cocking an eyebrow and smirking. "What?"

"Was that completely necessary?"

"If I don't act like a complete fool he may begin to think we actually enjoy his presence!"

--

"What're you two doing here?" Harry stumbled into Snape's office, which was inhabited not by Snape, but by Esme and Sirius. What was most odd about this situation was that they were dressed in muggle clothing. Conservative muggle clothing. Clothing not made of leather. Sirius was in a sort of brown tweed suit, his hair was combed neatly and he had donned a pair of thick glasses. Esme wore a mid-calf length brown skirt with a matching cardigan and a button-down blouse. Her hair was bunned back and she carried a brown leather handbag. They both wore loafers.

"Harry, we were talking and, well, we feel it's time for you to have The Talk," Sirius said, looking concerned.

"Er, what?"

"Well Harry, you're godfather and I were thinking that now that you're getting older you should understand all of those strange new emotions you're feeling."

"_What?"_

"You see Harry, when a man and a woman love each other very much—" Sirius began. Fortunately for Harry, the door swung open at that very moment.

"What the bloody hell is going on in here?"

"Oh, hello Severus," Esme said cheerfully. "Sirius and I were just about to tell Harry the facts of life."

"I told you, you could be here if you weren't going to interfere," Esme looked at him innocently. "THIS IS INTERFERING!" he roared.

"What is he doing here?" Harry muttered.

"Professor Snape's going to help us explain some things." Sirius' eyes glittered with mirth.

"_WHAT?!"_ Harry yelped, turning redc.

"Occlumency," Snape said firmly. "We are discussing Occlumency—and nothing more!" he glared at Esme.

"Well, I'm sure Sirius and I can help with that!" Esme giggled. "We know a lot about..._'Occlumency.'"_

"You're testing my patience," Snape growled dangerously.

"You know, I'm just curious," Sirius' eyes were quite possitively dancing now, "why were you ten minutes late for our meeting."

"_Someone _got me locked in the Room of Requirement with a semi-delirious Dolores Umbridge."

"How unfortunate," Sirius said smoothly.

"Wait, so what is Occlumency?" Harry spoke up.

"Well, Harry dear, it's wizarding term for what happens when a young witch and young wizard love each other very much…" Esme began.

"_Snape's _telling me about that?!" Harry sputtered.

"He'd know better than either of us. Actually, it was Dumbledore's idea for him to tell you. Dumbledore taught him all he knows." Esme grinned as she said this.

"ESME, LEAVE!"

--

"So in a period of about a month we've managed to get married; traumatize my godson; make Umbridge feel guilty about something _you _did; gather a small group of house elves who will do whatever we desire, no matter how illogical it is; send out a huge amount of banned magazines; and still we haven't gotten fired?" Sirius asked incredulously, flipping through the most recent issue of _The Quibbler. _Esme smiled.

"My belief is that it's the Death Eater blood in us." Sirius looked at her sadly.

"Oh Esme, don't say that."

"But it's true!" she protested. "We're both steadfast in our beliefs to pursue them no matter what it takes. Fortunately our beliefs are pure and good, like taking down the—mmmph!" Sirius pressed his hand over her mouth.

"Are you crazy?" he hissed. "You can't go around talking like that! _She _probably has a hundred spies running about; reporting anyone who seems suspicious."

"No one's going to report me. Anyway, we should be more worried about the fact that we don't plan our lessons," she said lightly.

"People _will _report you if they find out about you. And _I _plan my lessons."

--

_Sirius' classroom, a few weeks prior…_

"So, children, this week you will be preparing your children for the OWL exams," Sirius said cheerfully, shuffling few some parchment. Harry raised his hand.

"Um, Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"Well, we thought we were done with our eggs; you haven't said anything about them for several weeks." Several students exchanged nervous glances.

"I was a stitch busy with the whole 'getting married' thing. That's why Hermione taught the class for so long." He nodded at Hermione, who beamed.

"Well, Malfoy and I threw our egg out. It was beginning to smell." Sirius turned white and fell back.

"Gasp! How many of you abandoned your children?" Almost all of the hands in the class went up. "For shame! T's for all of you! Now, onto the next lesson…Hermione?"

--

"Yes, you're absolutely wonderful," Esme said dryly.

--

"Professor Black," Parvati practically sobbed, cornering Esme in the courtyard, "how can they possibly make Professor Trelawney leave? She's the best Divination professor this school could possibly have!"

"Sorry Parvati," Esme said, watching Trelawney flail and scream like a lunatic, "but it's not my subject. If you want a professor to show you any sign of comfort, you must appeal to the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts. If she deems the situation worthy, you'll get a special pass we both have to sign," she said flatly, not looking at Parvati.

"Really?"

"In your entire school career, that is the truest thing I will tell you." Sirius, who too had been watching the spectacle, approached Esme.

"Esme, where do we go if we get fired?" he asked. She didn't turn to look at him.

"To Mum and Dad's place."

"Groovy." At Parvati's confused expression, he added, "Esme and I are taking bets on how long we last, what with Umbridge around. Care to join in the fun?"

--


	13. Chapter 13: Betrayal

Typical Disclaimers Apply, also I don't own "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"

**Typical Disclaimers Apply, also I don't own "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes"**

--

"Quick, Esmeralda! And, er, Esmeralda's husband!" Umbridge still managed to flutter into Esme's office, even with the air of urgency around her.

"Sirius," Sirius growled. "My name is Sirius."

"Whatever. There's an emergency!"

"What's the emergency?" Esme smirked slightly, thinking it was just some teenagers snogging in her classroom.

"Oh, it's _horrible," _Umbridge grabbed Esme's arm quite tightly, causing her to flinch. "It seems there's been an_ illegal defensive arts club_ going on right under our noses!" Esme and Sirius exchanged wide-eyed looks.

"Who told you?!" Esme blurted, causing Sirius to slap a palm over his face.

"That lovely Ravenclaw girl, Marietta Edgecombe. Oh, and Esmeralda? Your brother thought that you would be that _best _person to help find them!" Malfoy peered out from behind Umbridge; smiling maliciously.

"Oh, well," Esme said, regaining her composure, "why don't Sirius and I run ahead to try and catch them? I'm sure we'd be a lot quieter and a lot less conspicuous than a large group of people." Her eyes flashed menacingly at Malfoy.

"Oh no!" Malfoy jumped in. "We wouldn't want them all to gang up and hurt you two. How awful it would be to lose _two more _professors."

"How sweet," Esme said flatly. "Well, why don't you two run ahead; Sirius and I need to gather a few things before we go."

"All right. But you take care of yourself!" And Umbridge fluttered away; Malfoy at her heels.

"Have a plan?" Sirius' face had gone completely white.

"Yes." She paused for a moment, then hissed, "_Dobby get down here and be absolutely, positively _silent." An instant later Dobby silently apparated into the small room. As he opened his mouth to speak, Esme held up her palm and whispered, "_Tell Harry that Umbridge knows about the DA. He's in the Room of Requirement. I don't know how much time you have. Go!" _On her last word Dobby disapparated, looking terrified.

"Now what do we do?" Sirius asked nervously, eyeing the spout where the elf had been.

"We run." Esme said decidedly.

--

"Hi Hermione!" Esme said softly, adding forced cheer. She'd been forced to infiltrate one of the girls' toilets (somehow Umbridge had _found _her completely ignoring the poorly hidden students), and was now cornering Hermione. "I feel really bad about this, but I'm going to have to take you, Ginny—yes, I can see you dear; I've known you since you were a baby and I know how you hide, now get off the ceiling—and Luna into Professor Dumbledore's office." She looked at Luna, who was staring at the ceiling as though she couldn't care less. "I know it's not fair, but if I don't capture you, I'll get fired and about a thousand students will be left with less protection than they so desperately need."

"Can't you just _say_ you didn't find anyone?" Ginny's voice came from the ceiling.

"If I'm tested under Veritaserum and they find that I lied to the Ministry, I'll get thrown in prison," she said calmly, not breaking Hermione's stare.

"Will you give us extra house points?" Ginny asked, finally climbing down the wall.

"Sure! Fifty points to Gryffindor!"

"Hey!"

"Oh yes, and fifty to Ravenclaw!"

The four young women trooped up into Dumbledore's office. Upon arrival, Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at Esme, but merely nodded. Esme looked down at the floor, unable to look at him.

Umbridge, however, could not keep her praise silent. "Oh, she's just like her brother! _Although she could have married better," _she hissed to the minister.

"Who, may I ask, is your brother, Mrs. Black?" Fudge asked kindly.

"Oh, it's not important," Esme said airily. Sirius looked terrified, Umbridge looked proud, Dumbledore looked placid, and Malfoy looked like Cheshire Cat.

"How can you say that?" Umbridge squealed. She turned to the minister and fluttered, "She's a _Malfoy!" _At least half of the heads in the room whipped towards Esme now. Hermione's jaw dropped. Ron and Harry looked like they might be ill right in the office. Ginny looked livid.

"I can't believe—!"

"Another one!" Fudge said, suddenly smiling and cutting Ginny off. "Perhaps a higher raise is in store."

"Oh, well, I don't really need—"

"_He means for Malfoy," _Sirius hissed, elbowing Esme in the ribs.

--

"Guess what, Sevvie!" Esme bounced into her classroom, where Snape was already sitting. He didn't look yp at her.

"An evil, crazy woman has taken over the job of headmistress; your idiot husband, you, and I are top on the 'who's going to get sacked next' list; the wizarding world is falling apart; our school has turned into a tyranny; it's seven a.m.; and the only reason you have energy is because you're on strong, illegal drugs?" he said with a sarcastic smile.

"Nope! I know your worst memory," she sang, sitting down next to him. He looked up at her coldly.

"You _are _a sadistic little bitch."

"That I am."

"I suppose Harry told you?"

"No, he's still mad that I almost got everyone expelled and completely betrayed my family. He told Sirius, and Sirius told me!"

"And you've decided that the one thing you should do with that information is torture me with it?"

"Um." She twisted a lock of hair around her fingers; she hadn't been expecting him to by so complacent.

"Well, get on with it."

"I can't. I thought that by now you'd be threatening to hex me."

"Well then, we have quite a predicament." They sat around awkwardly for a few minutes, until Snape finally spoke, "Enjoying spring testing?"

"Angst filled teenagers and I don't have to teach them? It's been pretty groovy for me."

Again, the air was heavy with silence. "So, where are you on the list?" he asked.

"The list?"

"The sacking list. I'm number ten." A list had been compiled by two anonymous pranksters, taking bets on which teacher would be fired first.

"Oh, you mean for the bets? I'm number two. Then again, all of Gryffindor's turned against me."

"That's the great thing about already being hated," Snape smirked lightly, "you expect entire Houses to turn against you."

"Even my brothers hate me. Even my _mum's_ blaming me for the twins' running away," she said miserably.

"I think you would call that an 'escape'."

"True," Esme smiled. "Too true. This place is way too much of a prison. I'm actually dreaming of the day I get fired."

And, as if on cue, a familiar, fluttery voice crackled over the school, "While the Professors Black please report to the headmistress's office immediately. That is all."

Esme's mouth fell open while Snape softly sang, "A dream is a wish your heart makes…"

--

Trudging up the stairs to the office, Sirius turned to Esme and asked, "What do you think she wants us for?"

"I think she wants to shower us with praise for our excellent teaching abilities," she raised her eyebrows ironically. "What do you _think _she wants?"

"I know, I know." He laughed. "But _why _do you think she wants to fire us?"

"Because we're young. Because we're happy. Because we don't plan our lessons. Does she honestly need a reason?"

However, once they were, well, not exactly "welcomed", into the office, their reason was standing right in front of them. Tall, robed, and blonde, Lucius Malfoy smiled coldly and said, "I was recently told that you were my daughter, and I thought 'Huh, I did _not _know that!'"


	14. Chapter 14: Daddy Dearest

Typical Disclaimers Apply

**Typical Disclaimers Apply. **_**Italicized Words **_**are direct quotes.**

--

Lucius walked towards Esme, taking casual, long strides. Anxiously, Sirius stepped in front of Esme. He was quickly pushed away.

"Ah, Esmeralda, it's been too long," Lucius purred, cupping her face.

"Don't touch me," she snapped, pulling away. She stepped back and snarled, "What the hell are you doing here?" His smile widened.

"Now, now, Esmeralda, that's not a way to speak to your father." Esme's eyes widened considerably and she looked like she'd very much like to hit Lucius.

"You're not my father!" she yelled. She turned to face Umbridge and Fudge, who were watching in mild interest. "He abandoned me. He abandoned me and told the world that I'd died. That's worse than any lie I could have told the Ministry."

"But why?" Lucius said, still smirking coldly. "Why lie to the Ministry of Magic? It will bring you nothing but trouble." He looked at her in a way that could be misconstrued as kindness: his eyebrows went up and he was definitely smiling.

"Perhaps I learned it from my _dad_," she spat.

"You claim I'm your father and then show such disrespect to me!" he cried in mock shock. "I believe you're sending the Minister and Headmistress Umbridge mixed messages.

"Leave her alone!" Sirius stepped up, his silver eyes flashing. "If you're here to fire us, then do so." He paused, "Just stop being rude to my wife."

"Ah yes, now the knight in dull armor steps forward to protect his fair maiden," Lucius kept his voice light, but his eyes had gone hard. "It's shameful that Esmeralda could not find a knight with more lustrous protection." His cold eyes narrowed, "Perhaps Severus Snape would have been a better pick."

A muscle jumped in Sirius' cheek, but before he could say anything, Esme hissed, "Don't you dare give them the satisfaction." She spoke to Umbridge, "Like he said, if you're going to fire us, fire us."

"I don't know what to say," Umbridge simpered. Her big eyes shimmered with what could be tears, but Esme knew better. "You were my favorite of the teachers: good, strong lineage, lovely personality, I just couldn't believe it when Mr. Malfoy came and told me that you weren't his daughter and that you were a relative of the hooligan Potter."

Esme finally cracked. "Yes, how _bizarre. _Looking at the fact that I look like him, spend time with him, and live with him and the Weasleys over the summer." She let out a manic burst of laughter, "I don't know if Lucius told you this but, yeah, I'm a Weasley. After he abandoned me because I was sorted into Gryffindor, the Weasleys had the heart to adopt me." Her eyes flattened, "So your little 'favorite of the teachers' is really a _blood traitor_."

The silence that erupted after her little speech was only broken by the clapping of Lucius' hands. It reminded Esme of the gunshots she'd once heard in Muggle London. "Good show Esmeralda. Very dramatic. Almost brought me to tears. But it doesn't take away from the fact that you lied _about _a very highly ranked Ministry of Magic employee _to _another highly ranked member of the Ministry _and _the _Minister of Magic. _Now, Cornelius, what would the punishment for said crime be?"

"Ah yes," Fudge fumbled around, wiping his glasses, "ten years in Azkaban for both Mr. and Mrs. Black."

At that statement Sirius turned very, very white, and a fire lit up in Esme's eyes. "Imprisoning us, Lucius? I think that would be _highly unwise_."

"And what makes you say that? It's the end of the year; you're easily replaceable."

"I'd be more worried about _this," _she pulled out the diamond heart necklace from under her robes. Lucius blanched, and seemed to waver on the spot. "I don't think _he'd _be pleased if you had me thrown in prison."

"Who?" Sirius, Umbridge, and Fudge said at once.

"No one," Lucius said quickly. "You swore never to show that to anyone," he growled in undertone.

"Gee, guess I lied. Wonder where I learned to do that?"

"What do you want us to do, Malfoy?" Fudge said tentatively. Malfoy sighed, defeated.

"Fire them, but do nothing more."

--

After they'd packed all of their bags and said goodbye to a few students, Esme and Sirius took one last look at Hogwarts.

"Where're we going to go now?" Esme asked, looking anxious. "Mum and Dad still think we've gone to the other side…" She twisted her hair nervously.

"You know what?" Sirius said decidedly. "We deserve a break. We've saved up a lot of money since we started working. Let's spend a week in Paris, and then see where we go from there."

So they set off for Paris. Apparation eliminated the need for plane tickets, and they already had their luggage, so they got a sweet little suite a few blocks from the Eiffel Tower. It was in a Muggle area, of course, so no one could recognize their names.

However, back at Hogwarts, Harry was in the middle of taking his History of Magic exam.

He massaged his temples with his finger tips, shutting his eyes for the briefest amount of time possible. When he opened them he was in a cathedral-sized room, and a cold voice emitted from his lips, "_Take it for me….Lift it down, now…I cannot touch it….but you can…." _Two dark figures lay on the ground. At his voice, the smaller one lifted her head. She was pale, thin, and had blood pouring from what looked like her eyes. "The blood of a Potter," Harry hissed. "_Crucio!" _

The smaller figure made no sound, but you could see every muscle in her body contract from the curse. Once Harry lifted the curse, she pulled herself onto her feet and looked him straight in the eye. He could see her blood-streaked face perfectly.

Esme's blood-streaked face.

"I will _never_ bow before you." Her voice was like ice. Harry turned towards the other figure.

"_Lord Voldemort is waiting…."_

"_You'll have to kill me," _Sirius whispered.

"No….perhaps not you….not yet….perhaps _her. _A _sister." _And he raised his wand.

And Harry woke up screaming.

"Harry!" Hermione cried, shaking him by the shoulders. "What's wrong with you? What's going on?"

"He's got Esme," Harry said quickly. "He's got Esme and Sirius. He's going to kill one of them so the other does what he says! We have to go!" For some odd reason, very few people seemed to pay attention to what Harry was saying. In fact, a few of them muttered things like "Bloody traitors," and "Deserve to die" under their breath. Ron was one of them.

"He's got your sister, Ron! And if she dies your mum is going to be really, really mad!" Sighing, Ron got up, Neville Longbottom following suit. Hermione led the way to Umbridge's office.

"We can floo to the Burrow," Hermione said, "then find out whatever we can from your dad, Ron. The only problem is that the only floo network that's open is Umbridge's."

"We haven't got any choice!" Harry roared. They'd already gotten into the staircase leading into Umbridge's office. Racing each other upstairs and working the lock open, they swung into the room…

…only to be met by Dolores Umbridge herself.

"Going somewhere?" she asked icily.

"We were…" Harry trailed off.

"Perhaps going to talk to your old friend Dumbledore?"

"What? NO!"

"Or maybe you were looking for your Firebolt."

"Well then—what is it Snape?" Snape appeared behind the four teenagers with Ginny and Luna following guiltily behind him.

"I found this two wandering in the halls. I felt that the only one to deal with them was you."

"Ah, Severus," she said, a light suddenly flickering in her mind and her voice suddenly turning sickeningly sweet, "you know, you're the perfect man for a job I have in mind."

"Oh really?" He didn't seem all that curious.

"Yes, I need your strongest Veritaserum."

"You know, I'm quite sorry, but I'm all out. You used up my supply the _last _time you were trying to poison, er, _interrogate, _Potter and his little friends." _Also I destroyed the rest of my supply, _he thought, smiling slightly.

"Well then," Umbridge said, obviously at a loss for words. Snape turned to leave when Harry cried out:

"_He's got Padfoot! _He's got Padfoot and…" he looked at Hermione, who nodded sharply, "Padfoot's wife! He's going to kill her first so Padfoot will get _it."_

Snape turned very white, pressed his lips tightly together, and said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

--

However, Snape did have an idea about what Harry was talking about. In fact, he had quite a good idea about what Harry was talking about. He just didn't believe him. And, being the man that he was, about an hour _after _the kids left on their rescue mission, he attempted to contact her. And he did contact somebody, just not her.

--

Sirius sat up, still exhausted from being in bed with Esme all afternoon. His head was pounding. But this didn't seem like a normal exhaustion headache; it had hit him fast and hard, like a train. He rubbed his temples, and suddenly he heard a voice as clear as day, although speaking in very short snippets of words.

"_Harry…Department of Mysteries…Gone after Voldemort…Get there as fast as you can!"_

"What is it?" Esme asked sleepily. She was lying down, curled up under the covers.

"It's Harry," Sirius said urgently. "He's in the Department of Mysteries. He's gone after Voldemort." Esme opened her eyes and stared at him incredulously.

"The voices in your head told you this?"

"Yes! Now I have to go find him and save him!"

"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!" Esme cried, pulling a dressing gown around her as her husband began rapidly pulling on clothes. "You don't even know if this is true. What if it's Voldemort, entering your thoughts like he did Harry's? This could be a huge trap, for all we know!"

"He's my godson," Sirius said firmly. "I can't risk losing him."

"Alright," She said, exhaling. "Even if, by some slim chance, this is for real, and Harry has gone after Voldemort, who's to say that he can't protect himself."

He looked at herm shocked. "Perhaps it's true," he whispered, "what they've been saying…"

"Sirius—" He turned away from her.

"If you aren't coming, fine. But I'm not going to let him die."

"Fine," Esme said coldly, her eyes flashing, "but if, _if, _you survive, I can't promise I'll be here when you get back."

"Fine," he said softly, and he disapparated on the spot. Esme stared at that spot of carpet for a full five minutes. She slowly turned around to look in the mirror, and met the eyes of none other than Severus Snape.

--


	15. Chapter 15: Dead Sirius

Typical Disclaimers Apply

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

_Only one couple was still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light. He was laughing at her. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room._

Bellatrix raised her wand again; her teeth grinding together rather audibly. She threw back her hand and shouted, "CRUCI—AAGH! OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD!" Her curse was interrupted by a small though not ignorable person landing on her back.

"You're Bellatrix, right?" the person growled. She had thick, black hair that was covering most of her face, and most of the people in the room seemed a bit unsure about who she was, with the exception of one, who was smiling very widely. This wasn't surprising; she looked like a cross between a dominatrix, a prostitute, and a cage-fighter. It wasn't a very common look for young witches. The girl was not only clad in skin-tight black leather trousers and a tube top, but had a chain laced around her torso, making an X across her chest. In addition to that, she'd donned a pair of rhinestone-covered motorcycle boots—a Christmas gift.

"Now I have been told," she continued, pinning a more-than-slightly surprised Bellatrix down. Her sparkling blue eyes flashed dangerously, "that I'm the 'jealous type'. I believe that this means whenever I see another woman raising her wand to put an Unforgivable Curse on my husband, I feel compelled to kill her in the most painful way possible!" She wrapped her fingers around Bella's neck. Then she looked up a winked flirtatiously at her husband.

Sirius grinned and said to the person nearest to him, Lucius Malfoy, "Yeah, I've hit that." Lucius looked like he'd died a bit inside.

Unfortunately, Bellatrix saw this moment to arch her back, bring one knee up, and kick Esme in the stomach. "Look, midget, I don't lose fights, especially not to blood traitors!" Her silver eyes narrowed as she threw a hard punch at Esme's face.

"Well," Esme grunted, "I suppose this will be your first!" She lunged.

The two women began fighting. They threw punches, kicks, and claws, and it is believed that Esme may have bit Bellatrix. Everyone in the room stood and stared as the two, rather gifted, witches fought without magic. For her final move, Esme took a flying leap onto Bellatrix, pinning her to the floor. But this time, instead of resorting to physical tactics, she pulled her wand out from her cleavage and pointed it directly at her adversary's throat. "You threatened my husband, therefore, you _will _die."

She brought back her arm to perform the curse, but was caught by a bony hand. A scaly, bony hand. A rather _greenish, _scaly, bony hand. She looked up.

"Meep."

"Well, well, well, Bellatrix," Voldemort laughed viciously, "I'm rather disappointed; resorting to a physical fight with a witch you could easily kill. And you," he picked Esme up by her wrist. "What makes you think that _you_, barely a witch and practically a half-breed, could take on one of _my _Death Eaters?"

"I was winning, wasn't I?" she growled. The thrill of taking on Bellatrix had not yet worn off, and she was not making the brightest of choices.

"How true," he sneered. "And yet now you're caught in my grip. Who's to say that she wasn't merely a distraction until I could get to you?"

"Grrrr," Esme growled menacingly. She swung her foot into his stomach.

"Does anyone here have any _real_ reason why I should not kill this woman? Any reason why this bastard-child of James Potter should not die?" He pointed his wand threateningly at her throat.

"I'm in love with her!" Sirius cried.

"And I love him back!" she called, still trying to knock Voldemort down. He rolled his eyes.

"I meant a _good _reason."

"Bastard," Esme muttered. "Well, I hoped it wouldn't come to this but," she yanked her diamond necklace out from her pocket, "I'm a Slain!"

The silence hung in the air like a heavy curtain, broken as Bellatrix smirked, "So?"

"Be silent you ignorant woman! You claim to be my favored follower yet you know nothing of the Slain family?" he asked manically.

"Um."

"My grandfather was the only one you dared to call 'friend.' I doubt he would be pleased, knowing that his only grandchild, the only person left on this earth with a drop of Slain blood in her veins, was murdered by _you_," Esme growled.

"Why should I believe you?" his face was dangerously close to hers. "Everyone I've asked has told me you were _dead._"

"The same is true for you," she snapped. "Why don't we ask the one person who would _really _know." She smirked malevolently at Lucius, "Oh, Daddy Dearest, care to explain why your master thinks I'm dead?"

Lucius' eyes darted back and forth, and then he giggled nervously and shrugged. Voldemort dropped Esme, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Do you mean to say," he said through clenched teeth, "that my _goddaughter _has been alive and I was not notified?" He raised his wand to Lucius' throat. "You will die a thousand deaths."

However, before he could do anything, Fudge burst into the room, gasping for breath. "HE'S BACK!" he cried enigmatically. Everyone in the room rolled their eyes.

"We noticed," Esme said dryly.

"Come Bella, back to the dealership!" Voldemort turned away from Lucius, who looked as though he may have gone into shock, and ran over to Bellatrix.

"Whatever it takes," Bellatrix spat in Esme's direction, "I will have my revenge!"

"But I haven't done anything to you!" Esme protested. "Well, other than the kicking and the biting…Oh come one she tried to kill my husband!" she added as an afterthought.

"I'll kill you, Esmeralda," Bellatrix snarled, "because obviously Severus isn't going to do it for me!" She grabbed Voldemort's wrist and they disapparated.

"Hey, what about me!" Lucius called after them.

"I think you're probably going to prison—_Daddy." _Esme laughed, sounding eerily like Bellatrix, as two ministry officials escorted him out of the room.

"Well," Malfoy grabbed at words, "I'm going to kill you too, Slain! I'll kill you twice as hard as Bellatrix kills you!"

"I'm shaking in my rhinestones," she retorted mockingly.

"What just happened?" Harry and a group of his rag-tag friends climbed out from their hiding spot.

"Esme saved the day, again." Sirius said with a grin.

"Really?"

"I'm dead serious."

"Or at least you would be, had I not been here to save all of your lives!" Esme laughed, skipping ahead.

"Oh, ye of little faith."

"I hold your lives in my hands! Muahahahaha!" she ran away, catching up with Tonks. Sirius turned to Dumbledore.

"Um, Professor Dumbledore? I think Esme's slowly developing a God complex."

"That's not a recent development. Are you two ignoring Bellatrix's reference to Severus murdering Esme?"

"I'm really hoping she realizes it in the moment that he's holding a knife to her throat," Sirius said easily.

"Some husband you are," Tonks laughed from ahead of the two men. "Leave me to deal with Snape. I know how to make men cry and grovel for mercy."

"Please don't date my best friend," he pled.

"And by the way, Sirius, I learned all my tricks from your wife."

"Damn. Figures."

--

**A/N: **Sob. I had to reread the Department of Mysteries chapter in order to write this. Still, it's my favorite chapter thus far. But it's not the last of this story. And, for you loyal readers,I have The-Way-I-Really-Wanted-to-End-this-Chapter-But-Thought-it-Best-Not-To. Enjoy!

--

"Bastard," Esme muttered. "Well, I hoped it wouldn't come to this but," she yanked her diamond necklace out from her pocket, "I'm a Slain!"

"A Slain," Voldemort gasped. "But, but, they told me you were dead!"

"What?"

"Oh, I'm so glad you're alive!" He dropped Esme's wrist and wrapped her into a tight hug. Esme's eyes widened as he gripped her, and she looked like she was very close to vomiting.

"What the hell is going on here?" Sirius and Bellatrix said together.

"Um, I thought I was the grandchild of the only man he ever considered a friend." Esme's voice was rather tense as she was wrapped in the arms of the most evil man in wizarding history.

"Yes! Yes you are!" Voldemort cried. "You are the granddaughter of the only man I could call my friend: me!" He contorted his face into what may have been a smile.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" she yelled, pushing away.

"Wait a minute," Tonks said, obviously confused. "I thought Esme's grandfather was Marcus Slain?"

"That's what the family tree says, my dear," Voldemort said tearfully. "But it isn't true. You see, I was in love with Genevieve Slain back when she was Genevieve Moreau."

"You were in love with someone other than _me_?" Bella screeched.

"You're really just a bit on the side, not love. Anyway, she was turned off by me green skin and lack of facial features, so she chose handsome, charming Marcus Slain. However, after only a month of marriage, she realized that I was the only man for her!"

"So your grandmother was crazy. That explains a lot," Sirius said, nodding.

"I dream of the day when someone tells me that my real parents are a nice, Welsh, Muggle couple, who had to give me up because they were too poor," Esme said pathetically.

"Stop interrupting my story," Voldemort whined. "Where was I? Oh, yes, she became my mistress, and after we'd been together for eleven months, she had your mother, Cosette. I am your grandfather, Esmeralda, and I shall help you regain the fortune that is rightfully yours!"

"Oh," Esme said. "Groovy."

So, as it turned out, the only reason Voldemort was evil is because he thought his granddaughter had died, which was quite convenient for the rest of the world. He became the legal grandfather of Esme, and shed all of his evil past. Through his name he was able to give her and Sirius the fortunes that they rightfully deserved. They quit their jobs and moved into a lovely manor, right across the street from Voldemort's (now known as Grandpa Tom) miniature castle. Eventually they had two lovely children: a daughter named Ella and a son named Benji.

Snape, realizing that he would never have Esme, settled with Remus, the man who would date anything, except Tonks. After only a year of dating they had their partnership finalized and are now teaching at Hogwarts.

Tonks, thoroughly disenchanted, ran away with Flitwick.

Neither was ever seen again.

Everything was going wonderfully until a fateful day, five years in the future. Sirius, Esme, and Grandpa Tom were on a train trip out east, when they suddenly crashed into a herd of yaks.

There were no survivors.

Today Ella and Benji are preparing to start at Hogwarts. They're not very nervous; they've been living there ever since they were legally adopted by Snape and Remus.

And all of the survivors lived happily ever after!

--

**A/N: **I think that's how I need to end all of my stories:

"And, though Esme, Sirius, Snape, Tonks, Remus, Moody, Molly, Arthur, Bill, Fleur, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Dean, Seamus, Neville, McGonagall, Flitwick, Dumbledore, Filch, Hagrid, Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, and Winky had all died, all of the survivors lived happily ever after!"


	16. Chapter 16: Explanations

Typical Disclaimers Apply (Also I don't own I Love Lucy)

**Typical Disclaimers Apply **

**A/N: **I was mildly shocked that some people would have preferred Sirius dead. But really, wouldn't that have made life too easy for Snape? I always like to have one character that's absolutely miserable until something awful happens.

--

"Everyone just sit down and shut up! I'm actually curious about what Esme has to say!" McGonagall raised her voice above the Hospital Wing's energetic chatter. After the battle in the Department of Mysteries, Dumbledore had rushed everyone back to the castle and up to the infirmary. Of course, every professor had joined them there, so it was rather packed. No one really even saw it necessary, since the person with the most damage was Esme, and she wouldn't even let Madam Pomfrey cure her few bruises, or, as she said, "Battle scars."

"Shouldn't you be more worried about me?" Harry piped up. "I mean, it was all because of me that we were there and almost got us all killed…" A few people fixed him with some mutinous stares. "Um, continue Esme."

"Well," she began, preening like a queen, "after Sirius disapparated because he was hearing voices in his head, I turned around and saw Severus in my mirror. Supposedly he set up some absolutely brilliant mirror-system where he can communicate with me. Although, it was a bit disturbing to see him in my hotel room. And that he knew where I'd be staying. And when I'd be home…" She looked at Snape quizzically. He simply raised his eyebrows and smiled a bit.

"What did Severus tell you?" Dumbledore said patiently.

"Well, it sort of went like this."

--

_Back in the hotel…_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY SUTE?" Esme shrieked. She picked a shoe off the floor and threw it at his image. It bounced off the mirror and fell to the floor.

"I'm not in your suite, I'm in your mirror," he said calmly. He looked at the shoe as proof.

"Oh. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY MIRROR?!"

"I'm here to deliver you news. Your brother's gone on a rescue mission for you and his idiot godfather—"

--

"Did you just call me your brother?" Harry asked, his eyebrows pressing together. Esme pursed her lips and looked at him.

"Stop interrupting the story, Harry," she said coolly.

"You know, come to think of it, Voldemort said something like that too…" Tonks said, grinning.

"Anyway…"

--

_Again, back at the hotel…_

"But we don't need to be rescued," Esme said slowly, her forehead wrinkling. Snape raised his eyebrows ironically.

"I realize that, seeing as you're here, and not being tortured by the Dark Lord. However, the Dark Lord has infiltrated his mind to lure him to the Department of Mysteries, and _you _have to go save him." He looked at her expectantly.

"Why?"

"Because he's your brother—"

--

"You just said it again!"

"Harry, shut up!"

--

_Once more, back at the hotel…_

"—and as a member of the Order, you're obliged to fight evil every chance you get." Again, he looked at her expectantly, although not expecting as much.

"Hmm…"

"Also, it looks like your husband just left to fight, and you know he'll die without you by his side."

"Can I wear my S&M outfit?"

"You have an S&M outfit?"

--

"You have an S&M outfit?!" Molly gasped.

"STOP INTERRUPTING MY STORY!"

--

_Back, for the last bloody time, at the hotel…_

"It's _fun…" _she purred.

"Ew. Alright, let's focus on the task at hand," he said firmly, as though trying to erase what she'd just said from his mind.

"Which is what?" she asked innocently.

"Saving your husband!"

"Sweet, I'm wearing leather!"

--

"Then I put on my chains, apparated, and saved the day!" Esme threw her hands up into the air like a girl who'd just jumped out of a cake.

"My daughter is wearing an S&M outfit." Molly still hadn't gotten over the shock.

"Wait, I don't understand: Am I your biological brother or emotional brother?" Harry asked, looking at Esme, confused.

"Ah Harry, about twenty-something years ago, your father fell in love with a young French girl named Cosette, impregnated her, and never saw her again," Sirius said cheerfully.

"SIRIUS! You just destroyed next summer's birthday gift!"

"I think I'm going to be ill…"

"Wait a moment, 'twenty-something'? You don't even know your wife's age?" Tonks asked incredulously.

"Shut up Tonks, or I'll feed you to the wolves!" Esme snapped.

"Not that I'd mind." She winked seductively at Remus.

"I'm your _brother?"_

"Half-brother actually. Like Grawp!" Hermione grinned deliciously.

"Oh, _God."_

"Is it really _that bad?"_

"SILENCE!" The noisy room fell silent as Dumbledore swept his hands to the air. "The Minister of Magic is here to speak."

"Um, ex-Minister actually," Fudge mumbled. He addressed the small group: "I would like to wholeheartedly offer an apology. I was wrong in employing Umbridge. I was wrong about slandering Harry. But mostly, I was wrong about You-Know-Who. He's back and there's no denying it. I hope that you all can forgive me for my shortsightedness and cowardice."

"No," Esme said, loudly and flatly.

"Fine, then at least stop sending me pranks through the mail."

"That's not us," Hermione protested.

"We'll stop sending pranks when you stop reading our mail," Fred said loudly. He and George had arrived about a half-hour earlier.

"I stopped reading your mail!"

"You didn't stop reading mine!" Esme said angrily. "I haven't gotten my thongs-by-mail since October!" You could almost touch the awkward silence that followed that statement.

"Um, anyway, I have been fired from my position as Minister. I don't know who will be replacing me."

"I nominate Sirius!" Esme yelled.

"Second!" Tonks giggled, raising her hand.

"You can't nominate people, Miss Slain, Miss Tonks, especially not ex-convicts." Fudge said tersely.

"Ex-convicts who were convicted, under your rule, without a trial. Oh, and it's Mrs. Black." Esme smirked, snaking an arm around Sirius' waist with one hand and flaunting her gold wedding ring with the other.

"Um, all right, but you still can't nominate your husband for Minister."

"Of course I can," she stood up dramatically, "for I am Esme: Queen of all—"

"Sit down!" At least six people said in unison.

--

Esme was pouring over a stack of papers when a gentle knock came at her door. "Come on in! Door's open!"

Snape walked in, sort of smiling, but also looking rather awkward. "How're you doing?"

"I'm okay. Yesterday was rough, what with the defending my family and nearly getting killed thing, but I've been worse. How about you?"

"I'm good. Hey, I won't be teaching with you next year."

"You're quitting?" That hurt. Snape had been a real reason to actually come to class in the morning.

"Nah, he finally gave me the defensive arts job. I'm teaching alongside your husband."

"You didn't call him 'The Idiot!'" she cried happily.

"No, I didn't. But mind that that's for you, not him." He looked at her sternly, then smiled.

"I knew there was a sweet side to you, Severus Snape. Hey, you know, Bellatrix said the strangest thing to me yesterday."

"Was it, 'Your mother's a whore'? Because she's said that to me before, too."

"No, she made it sound like you were trying to murder me."

"Oh yes, that." He stood silently.

"Well?"

"I'm just trying to formulate a witty comeback without giving anything away. Um, ah yes! If I was trying to kill you, you'd be dead now." He nodded quickly, without meeting her glance.

"Comforting."

"It's what I do."

--

"Hey!" Esme cried, running up to Sirius and grabbing his hand. It was two days before the end of the term, and everyone was spending their days lounging around the grounds. "Do you know what today is?"

"I have a few guesses." He smiled and kissed her on the nose. "Are you glad to be going back home?"

"Definitely. The students here are too happy. I need to spend time with my morose siblings. You?"

"Of course. I love your family. They're so redheaded."

"Alas! I shall follow your random statement with another random statement of my own!"

"Was that it?"

"No. Did you know Sev may be trying to kill me?"

"It wouldn't surprise me. He's not very subtle."

"Siri! When I accuse my friend of attempting to murder me, you're supposed to argue! Have you learned nothing in the six months we've been married?" she laughed.

"Well, that subject has only come up two or three times. Happy anniversary, Esme."

"Happy anniversary, Sirius."

"Hey, what happened to all of the stuff we had at the hotel?" he asked.

"Oh…fuck."

--

**A/N: **It's not totally done yet, but it's getting there! I'm not sure if the next chapter should be funny, angst-y or a bit of both.


	17. Chapter 17: Confrontation

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"So you found your luggage?" Snape asked, smiling as he watched Esme pack.

"Yeah, it was living in the kitchen." That's the unfortunate thing about elves. They'll go to the ends of the earth to pick up a few trunks, but they can't be bothered to bring them to the owners' living quarters.

"And you're all packed and ready to go?"

"Yes Mummy."

"You're sure you haven't forgotten anything?"

"Severus! Honestly, what are you trying to put off?"

"Leaving," he said honestly. "Well, mostly you leaving."

"I've got to leave with the children. It's either that or spend the entire summer here. I've already spent the past few days in McGonagall's robes, what more should I have to endure?" she asked pathetically.

"Staying here wouldn't be all that bad! Just think of all the fun we could have!" he smiled at her hopefully. She shook her head.

"Where's the sarcastic, apathetic man who was here when I first began teaching?" she laughed.

"He left when he walked you down the aisle," Esme's smile softened. She looked at him, sort of sadly. "Anyway, I'm also trying to put off my Death Eaters meeting. It's my turn to bring snacks and I honestly don't know what Bella likes and she's the Dark Lord's favorite and…" he trailed off looking desperate.

"You're kidding, right?" Esme smirked.

"No, she's a really picky eater too." It was true, Bellatrix was known for only eating certain things. And when those things weren't available, she was known for going on killing sprees. And not Muggle killing sprees; she would take down the six or seven people nearest to her.

"You bring _snacks _to the meetings? And we're supposed to fear you?" Esme laughed. Snape arched an eyebrow at her.

"Watch it missy. As much as you'd like to pretend you're safe, a handful of Death Eaters are out to kill you."

"Like who?"

"Well, Bellatrix for one…"

"That woman knows no subtlety. I think I'll notice it when she loudly sneaks up behind me and attempts to strangle me with my own hair. She tries too hard to be clever, like you!"

"Ignoring that; Lucius wants you dead too."

"I realized," she smirked. "But, if you have not noticed, he's in prison. Anyone else?"

"Not that I know of…"

"Excellent. I'll have Tonks take these people, as well as some others on my list down the next time I see her."

"You have a hit list? And a mercenary?"

"She prefers the term 'assassin for the higher cause.'"

"I'm going to stop associating myself with your friends."

"That's a wise idea."

--

"You have had thousands of chances to kill her and not once do you even try! Do you have even the tiniest idea of how displeased I am?" A cold, cruel voice echoed in Snape's ears. He flinched away.

"But you had the chance to kill her and opted not to!" he cried pathetically. But he knew it wasn't worth it.

"Insubordination!" the voice cried. Then it turned silky and poisonously sweet. "The murder of Esmeralda Black was placed in your hands, not mine. Why should I be doing your work?" It paused, then cried, "CRUCI—"

"BELLATRIX!" Another high, cold voice sliced through the air, interrupting her curse.

"Damn it," she hissed, "I never get to finish that curse!"

"Leave Severus alone, Bella," Voldemort said smoothly. "I've decided to allow Esmeralda Black to live. As a close relative of Harry Potter's, she could be helpful when it comes to bargaining." He looked at one of the tables and smiled, "And look, he brought you cookies."

"But sir! He had every chance to kill her even before you decided she could live!" she protested.

"That's true," Voldemort spoke thoughtfully, as if other people's opinions really mattered to him. "Severus, this woman is no friend of yours; she's not even a student! If you were to kill her, making sure it looked like an accident, she wouldn't be missed!" He shook his head, "Yes, I'm sure Dumbledore would ask questions, he'll be dealt with soon, by the way, but a quick cover story would lead him off the path. And you've killed people before; real people too, wizards, not Muggles. It can't be morals and it can't be fear, if anything, you should be scared of _me, _so what is it?"

Snape struggled under Voldemort's cold eyes and Bellatrix's haughty smirk. "I, uh, um."

"Eloquent." Bellatrix quipped. However, a light clicked on in Voldemort's cold eyes.

"You are in love with this young woman." He said simply.

"No! No, of course not! She's just such a wonderful witch, it felt rob the world of her potion making skills!"

"But she's a relative of our one major threat. In fact, she may be guarding him. Taking her down would get us closer to taking him down," Bellatrix said smoothly, glad to reaffirm her place as Voldemort's best mate.

"But I knew her! I knew she was a relative of a great Death Eater!"

"Then why did you not tell the Dark Lord when he assigned you the, heh, 'project'?" her voice rose and her silver eyes turned to steel.

"I, I…"

"Well, it seems the young man is in love." Voldemort's voice was like ice.

"Hmm, I never figured you to love a blood traitor. You always seemed more into mudbloods!" Bella spat.

"Oh really?" She'd piqued Voldemort's curiosity.

"Yes! He was in love with Lily Potter, the mudblood mother of enemy number one!"

"In love with a mudblood? Well then, Bella, I think you should finish what you started."

"Excellent." She raised her wand back and cried out, "CRUCIO!"

--

Miles away, at the very same time, Esme Black woke up screaming.

--

**A/N: **Final chapter! Please review!


End file.
